My 28 Day Life

Updates

2010-12-05T08:08:00.001-05:00

Today Jon and I are taking the day off. Not 100% the day off….is that ever possible? But staying home and enjoying the quietness of the day rather than all that we have had going on these past few weeks. Thanksgiving was a great time spent with all of Jon's brothers and sister in St. Louis. We had a blast seeing and playing with all the kids, catching up with family and enjoying each other. It was a great Thanksgiving and truly a moment to celebrate each other.

Jon and I also went "Black Friday" shopping over there as well. It was the first time we had ever not had a plan and just went to a mall. We did not go out early, and just wondered where it took us and was our best black Friday ever! Jon got some new clothes for his new job, some new shoes as well and we went all out in the Crazy 8's kids store.

I have really refrained from buying kids clothes unless it is really really cute or a really really good deal. Jon not so much. I was shocked!!! One thing that has really helped is that we will need summer clothes and those are just not out right now. Well this store had all their summer 80% off and that is where the madness started. Jon had his arms full of little girl clothes before I could even realize what was going on. For the man that wanted two boys, he is really coming around to the pink side. Regardless we walked out with some great buys for both the boy and the girl and some summer clothes!

Jon also started his new job on the Monday after Thanksgiving and all is going well. I am so thankful that he has a "desk" job and no work to bring home! This opportunity is such a gift from God at just the right time!

Hope all of you are enjoying your Christmas season! We are going to be super busy these next few weekends so I am saying in as much as possible today! Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Jon

2010-11-20T05:56:00.001-05:00

Today is Jon's 30^th birthday. So in honor of my husband, my best friend, my partner, and most importantly the father of our two growing babies, this post is all about you!

Jon and I met in August of 2005, so for five years I have had the wonderful opportunity to talk, love and share my life with you. We have had some trials, remember all those days and nights that you lived in Orlando before and after we were married? The day you finally moved to Indy after Valpo we had our biggest argument ever and we realized that we were always using movers from then on. When we struggled for over two years to get pregnant and spent many nights in tears. When you were working and working and working at different jobs before you finally got settled and started on your career.

I also hold the best memories of my life with you. The weekend we met at Erica and Dave's wedding and how I still cannot remember that weekend but it must have been fun because you called that next night. My first Thanksgiving with you in Henderson and I cried all the way to KY because I realized that this man will be my husband someday and I am meeting his family. All of our vacations to Orlando, South Carolina, Maui, and the Burbon trail.

But most importantly the fact that we hardly ever spend a night apart, I can lean on you for support, you are so OCD that the laundry and dishes are always done, when you sleep your face gets all scrunchy, and you honor God and our family before anything else, and I am so thankful and blessed.

Jon as you start this 30^th year, I am so proud of you. Proud that in one week you will be starting your dream job, proud that in 5 months you will be starting your roll as a father and proud that I get to spend every day with you and watch you grow. You are such a different man that when we met 5 years ago, you are strong and serious, and kind, and supportive. You are my dream and I love you.

Happy Birthday Babe!

Could I ask for more?

2010-11-03T19:56:00.005-04:00

Sometimes God just showers blessings on you and all you can do is just Praise Him for His greatness. I hope that someday you will get to experience all that God can do for you as well. Jon and I are blessed beyond words.

This week has been one of the best in our life together. I told Jon that Monday might have tied our wedding day. Monday we went for our 16 week ultrasound and found out that in less than five months, God willing, we will be the proud parents of a boy and a girl. What a great surprise! Everyone is healthy and I am just overjoyed by the news.

Jon also accepted a new job offer on Monday working for the Indiana State Supreme Court. His new office is down the hall from the govenors! He starts the Monday after Thanksgiving. He keeps saying, "I don't think you understand this, but it is a really big deal." Yes, babe, I realize it is a "really big deal" and I am so proud of you and all the work you do for our family.

I have spent about 15 minutes trying to figure out how to upload pictures to this blog. At some point I really do need to learn how to do this....but as for tonight, check facebook for our first baby pictures.

Thankful Sunday

2010-10-17T06:10:00.001-04:00

Today the pregnant girl is up at 5:30. What? I have not seen 5:30 in a month, and I went to bed "late" last night, probably around 10. Maybe I am coming out of the, I am so tired I cannot function after 6 pm stage. Hopefully so. I was hoping to do a Thankful Thursday post on Thursday because I have not had one in a while and have so much to be thankful for, but again sleep got the better of me, so here we go.

I am so thankful for my family. All of you! Jon's mom was up this weekend and we had a good visit with her, Julie and I spent all day Saturday together and had so much fun, and my parents have been down for the past two weekends helping with the house. Jon and I are so blessed with wonderful families and so excited for them to meet the babies.

That my clothes still fit! I am hoping to get through the end of the month, but that might be tight….either way I don't have time to go shopping till Thursday so I guess I can make it a few more days.

Fall Break! Fall break starts on Thursday! No big plans other than to go shopping for some new clothes and to go to lunch with Jon at Fogo de Chau. Yeah!

Our church, Carmel Lutheran, we have started a new campaign to put up another church in Westfield, and it is an exciting time for us. Also we are still so blessed to have such a wonderful church family both with my E91 girls and our CLC couples.

The beautiful fall weather! I am enjoying the cooler temperatures and love all the activities you can do in the fall.

The babies are at 14 weeks and I am feeling better. I can really tell a difference from last week to this week. Also I think I can feel my stomach get bigger. It hit me for the first time on Tuesday. I am so looking forward to becoming a mom.

Updates

2010-10-08T10:08:00.001-04:00

It has been a busy week. On Tuesday Jon and I went for our official ultrasound. Still two babies, still growing great. They were both at exactly 12 weeks, I think about 3 inches long. Ahh….it is so neat to see them in there and yet weird to know that I am "growing" people. Oh my, I cannot think about that for long. We met with a different doctor in the practice and really liked him as well. He gave us a list of recommended pediatricians, as they want us to have our doctor picked by 20 weeks or so. Those of you that live around north Indy, I may be emailing about referrals.

Some other really great news this week was the scientist/doctor that first "invented" IVF was awarded a Nobel Prize. I think this is really awesome! His discovery allowed Jon and me to be parents of our own biological children. What an amazing gift to give all of us who are struggling with infertility. I was also disappointed to hear that the Pope was not supportive of this award and wonder how the Catholic Church supports infertile couples.

I also told my 5^th period class on Monday that I was pregnant. This was kind of out of necessity as I felt terrible on Monday morning and had to leave the room twice. Also all I wanted to do was sit at my desk all day, thus they needed to know. I however have not told any other class and only one has asked if I am pregnant or not. I guess high school kids don't gossip as much as I think they do. I am thrilled because if they don't know, they cannot ask questions.

We are ¼ of the way done with the school year today! YEAH!!! 45 days down and I have been here for everyone of them so far. I really need to keep a watch as I have to be at school for 120 days for the year to count and really do not want to come back in May.

It is going to be a beautiful, beautiful weekend! Enjoy the weather. God is Good.

October Already!

2010-10-04T09:29:00.001-04:00

It is already October….yikes! As you can tell, school has started and is back in full swing. I am just plain tired and because of that blogging has been sparse. However, there is a lot going on too, and I want to make sure that I get it documented.

First off, we are at 12 weeks! YEAH! I was so excited this morning that I got sick. Today has actually been one of the worst days so far and I thought I was coming out of all of this. We will see what happens as the week goes on. I am pretty much sure it is because I went to bed with an empty stomach, even though I made Jon go and get me some cheese and crackers at about 8, we ate early because of the Colts game, and then by 6 this morning, I was done.

I went to the OB last Thursday for our first appointment with her and things are going well. I was a bit nervous because I kept reading to make sure your doctor is familiar with handling multiples, and I love my OB and did not want to change doctors. However, I was the third of four sets of twins she was seeing that day. So lucky for us we are not changing doctors as of now. All went well there and we go back for an "official" ultrasound again tomorrow. I think that will be number 8 for me. I don't mind having that many ultrasounds; however we have not gotten an insurance bill yet, so I am hoping all of this is covered. The best news is that if everything looks good tomorrow we can wait 4 weeks before we return!

Now that the room is cleaned out, we have picked a "theme" for the nursery. It is going to be Noah's Ark because of the twins, two by two. The walls are going to be yellow and the cribs are going to be black because we already have a dresser that is black, and well, that is about all that is planned. I have been looking online for stuff and have heard that cribs from walmart.com are really good for the price, and seeing that we are buying two, we are starting there. I am hoping that around December they may have some free shipping days for Christmas shopping as well, so until then we will have a yellow empty room.

I bought my first set of diapers Saturday. Since I have been reading the frugal blogs, they say a "good" price on diapers is anything under 15 cents a diaper. Well, thanks to Jan, mom and grandma, I had some coupons to get them for about 12 cents a diaper so I got five packages for my five coupons. 200 diapers total, it should last us a bit over a week. I was told that twins go through 600 diapers that first month. That is 600 diaper changes……oh my

Hope you are doing well and your October is starting out great. Looking forward to Fall Break in a few weeks!

Stuff

2010-09-27T11:49:00.001-04:00

You are reading about the newest member of the North Side Indy Multiples. Yep, now that we are fairly far along and had another great doctor visit, I decided to pay my dues and join. Oh my gosh, are they welcoming. I have had three emails since Thursday. I am really looking forward to it, as they have "support" each month for expecting parents. The first meeting is tonight, however it is the fall social, so I am going to pass. Also tonight's meeting does not start till 7:00 and well you all know my bedtime in 8. But I am looking forward to meeting other moms of twins and hopefully learning a bunch along the way.

This past weekend, Jon and I were busy, we had a wedding in FTW on Saturday and got to see a bunch of family and friends and then on Sunday we started to clean out the house and move furniture around. Jon has been so OCD about this since we decided which room is going to be the nursery that we get it cleaned out. Lucky for him, and me too, since I did very little, he moved the furniture for the guest bed out and now we have an open slate. Just a few Christmas gifts in the closet, and those will be gone long before the babies.

I am also trying to step back on some of my commitments. I love to stay busy, however just don't have the energy right now to continue to do everything. So I guess God is teaching me a bunch as well about managing my time and what is really important. Lessons that I never seem to fully understand.

Graduation

2010-09-21T18:32:00.001-04:00

We graduated from fertility today and are taking with us two large grapes. I was so excited, but also sad. I have met with these people since 2007, and this past year our relationship just took off, with the daily visits. However our time together is now over. I am so glad our relationship ended with such a happy ending.

I went for my last ultrasound and the babies are measuring about 10 weeks 2 days, which is right on track. They are about 3 cm long and the size of a large grape. I have not written in a few days because I cannot seem to find enough time to sleep. Every night in bed by 8ish and asleep by 9ish. Currently I am not able to workout, therefore, I am getting an extra hour on the front end as well. It is not enough.

Jon and I are starting to finally realize that in March we are going to be parents. He is crazy enough to think that since I am going to be home all day, that dinner will be on the table every night and informed me of this over the weekend. Little does he know, that just because he is going to work, does not mean he is out of night time duty!

We visit my OB next Thursday for our first appointment with her. Looking forward to it.

Witnessing a Miracle

2010-09-14T20:05:00.001-04:00

God works Miracles daily. I cannot praise Him enough today or any day. I have always tried to keep this journey focused on God, knowing that He already knows the future and He has a plan for me and it is a good plan. But wow, does He take us through some trying times. He is there, working His miracles and restoring hope when there is none.

This past weekend Jon and I and the babies had quite a scare. At this moment everything is fine, we are on our way back to "normal" however, I think I just lived the worst 48 hours of my life. Without warning on Friday I started bleeding, badly. I called the doctor and she met us at the Women's Hospital at about 9:45. The outlook was not good, however though all of this I was calm, just thinking that if God wants me to be pregnant then I will be pregnant, if not He will provide a way to comfort me and a way to help me through. The whole night I had my hands on my stomach again repeating the Lord's Prayer, over and over.

We finally got an ultrasound at 10:30 and they found one heartbeat. I was full of such mixed emotions. I was so thankful, but yet, so sad. Then about 10 minutes later they found the second. Both babies were still alive, with beating hearts just hanging out, not even realizing that everyone in the room just witnessed a miracle. Two heartbeats…..two thankful parents.

Either way Jon and I spent Friday night and most of Saturday at the hospital. We finally got to sleep around 3 and then were woke up again at 6. We did another ultrasound with a high risk OB on Saturday and he assured us that the babies were fine. However now we are transferring to a high risk OB and are going to the doctor weekly. I am so fine with that. More pictures of my kids! We also went in on Sunday and now I get to take more shots in the bum. Jon is so excited about this…..ha ha. But at this point other than the shots, I am pretty much back to where I was Friday at 8 pm.

As I was thinking about all of this on Sunday as I sat in bed, I just kept thinking about how I just witnessed a miracle. How I know that God has a special plan for our children because he kept them alive. How God wants me to be pregnant at least for today. How amazing my God is.

Big Surprise

2010-09-10T13:14:00.001-04:00

Another week of school down. I have been working for 24 days now….can you believe it? I am counting this year especially because I need to teach 120 for the year to count. This year I will not be working all 185, but hopefully will get in 120 without a problem.

I have gotten so many emails of congratulations this past week. Thank you to everyone! It is nice to know that people are reading the updates and staying in contact. You all mean so much to Jon and I are we are so appreciative of you.

Today I got a bit of surprise. I emailed the author of the "Pregnant with Hope" blog that I have read since about April, and told her about how wonderful I think her ministry is and how much it has helped me throughout this journey. Again we are far from over, but hopefully are a bit passed the infertility stage. I was writing to her about what I have learned through this journey and how faithful God is. Well two surprises, first she emailed me back, and then she asked if she could share my story on her blog. So this weekend I am featured on her "Pregnant with Hope" blog as well. It is such an honor. God is Awesome! So many blessings are pouring in.

Also if you know someone struggling with infertility, I would love to pass along my copy of her book. Let me know, I found it so helpful and have reread so many of the passages when I was working through all of this.

Help from the moms

2010-09-08T15:10:00.001-04:00

Alright, so now that we are outfitting our house times two, I am trying to get things at a bargain. September and March are the month for kids' consignment sales. Well September is a bit too early and March is a bit too late. But anyways, I am thinking of attending some of these to try to buy multiples at cheaper prices. Therefore…..calling all moms…

What would be good things to buy at these sales? Don't suggest clothes, not buying them yet. I was possibly thinking things like socks, crib sheets, things that I can wash in hot water, maybe a stroller, or pack n play, crib, a jumper? I am not all about buying a ton of stuff….just useful stuff. So what is useful? What are the necessities? You all know that I am such a bargain shopper, just trying to score some bargains……

I know that we may have a few showers and most likely will get some of this as gifts, but as you start to add up the cost for two of everything…..the money adds up quick.

Let me know your thoughts??

8 weeks

2010-09-07T21:41:00.001-04:00

We are at 8 weeks today. Things are finally starting to settle in, the fact that we are actually pregnant, that we are having twin babies, that in 8 months our lives will never be the same…..how they are changing daily. God has taken us this far, and I know He will be holding my hand through the rest as well. I am praising the Lord for his faithfulness. I guess I should not question that God answers prayers because He has before, but I did not think that our answer would come this quickly.

I am feeling alright. Not great, but not sick. I have been trying to continue to work out in the morning, and the good and bad thing is that when I work out I feel better all day, however getting out of bed at 5 in the morning is not the most fun task either. I am also tried, however I am sure that will not go away anytime soon.

Everyone keeps saying how exciting this all it, and it is, however I am nervous. I was prepared for one baby, I thought I could handle that, now that we are having two, I am pretty sure we can still handle it, but I am having to readjust my plans. However God is faithful and will never give Jon and I more than we can handle without Him. So the three of us are having twins.

Big News…

2010-09-03T19:56:00.001-04:00

So as much as I wanted to keep quiet about this news, I am going to share. Jon and I are expecting TWINS! Twins, can you believe it? Double Babies, Double Blessings. God sure does work miracles. I was so happy I cried, laughed and caught my breath, and could not sleep a lick all night because I was so excited. Every time I rolled over, I just looked at Jon, he was awake as well, and smiled. But as of tonight I am getting as much sleep as possible till April, hoping to bank it up.

Today, I think just about everyone at CHS asked what happened at the doctor so I just told whoever asked. Not some broad sweeping announcement, but if they asked I did not lie. This would have been so much easier if not everyone did know that I did IVF, but when you are open about the process you need to be open about the outcome. I also realize that these people care, so if God decides this is not his plan for us, we will be loved and supported all the same.

So there you have it. At this point, Jon has started calling me Trio, and we are still comprehending the fact that we are going to be parents. However we have a long road ahead of us, so prayers and support are always welcome. Praise the Lord!

Waiting till Thursday

2010-08-30T12:50:00.001-04:00

We are waiting till Thursday. This waiting is killing me. This whole infertility process is waiting and more waiting. It really tests your patience. It really tests your prayers. I am so lucky that school has started as I am so busy with teaching, and planning, and tutoring, and all that other stuff that I don't really get much of chance to think about it. When told Jon yesterday that my only free night was Thursday, he said, no, we have to go to the doctor on Thursday. So I guess that was a good sign???

I am also scared that everyone knows that Thursday that I go back to the doctor. What if it is good news? Do I tell everyone? Should I wait? How do I lie to this many people? I have a wonderful support group, I have my faith, I have my husband. I can do this.

Just waiting till Thursday…..

School has started....I am super busy

2010-08-25T22:01:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone!

This has been a super busy three weeks with school starting and all of that. Keep praying....

Thankful Saturday

2010-08-14T06:59:00.001-04:00

I am sure that you could tell that school is back in session, as my time to post has gone out the window. Tuesday through Friday was a huge success in so many ways. I wanted to post on Thursday, then on Friday, but this morning will have to do….

Thankful Saturday…

I am thankful that I made it through my first week of school without any major issues and lots of positive ones. CCS now has a contract after three years without, I have a new classroom with a window and a good air-conditioning, all of my lessons went well with the new students, and I enjoyed catching up with everyone that I missed over the summer
The Indiana State Fair, Jon and I went on Thursday after school in the 95 degree weather. We got a great parking spot and did not last very long, but had a shake from the Dairy Bar and enjoyed walking around.
Friends…last night we met Sarah and David to spend the night at Connor's Prairie and as we were walking in we ran into JoEllen and Matt and their neighbor. Too funny, but the 8 of us has a great time.
My prayer time. These past few weeks not only has my mind been working overtime, but my prayers have been too. Only God knows the future, and I have to trust that He knows best.
The weekend. All of you working folks know what I am talking about, after being back in school for five days; I am so thankful that today at 7 I am still in bed and not looking at a classroom full of students.

Back to School

2010-08-09T17:06:00.001-04:00

I went back to work today. Bright and early, up at 5, stopped to get gas, workout with Jon and then at 7 went to get my blood drawn and was at school by 7:30. I had completed more by 7:30 than I had all weekend. And I just got home after a whole day of figuring out what is going to happen tomorrow and I am tired! Oh my gosh, I am tried….tomorrow will be worse with 90 students.

I am feeling alright, trying my hardest to not read into every pain in my stomach and just trying to forget that we may or may not be pregnant. God knows, He already knows, I just need to continue to pray for peace with whatever plan he has for us. I know that His plan is much better than mine and today it I need to trust in that. This whole journey is about trust and these past two weeks are the hardest.

Happy New School Year!!

Three More Days of Freedom

2010-08-04T16:31:00.001-04:00

You would think that after having to be home for two days I would have written more. Well nothing exciting really happens when you are home alone….My parents were down on Monday and Tuesday morning which was nice. My dad finished our laundry room, installing a sink and bead board. I love it! We also had a leak under our main bathroom shower, which was dripping water into the garage, it was an easy fix and still covered under warranty but now the clean-up is a bit much. My mom went grocery shopping and all of that stuff and my sister came out and bed rested with me. Jon has been fabulous through all of this as well and is so over protective.

I am three days from going back to school and I have officially done nothing this summer. I looked back at my list of what I wanted to do over the past ten weeks and yes, it was probably a bit much to start with, but I have accomplished about three of the items. Oh well. I was guess they just move to the lets do this during the first semester list….or just eliminate them all together. That is the funny thing about lists, it is great when you get to cross things off, but what if you accomplish a bunch but you never wrote it down. Maybe the most important thing not on the list got accomplished??

So a few more days of sleeping in, a few more days of nothing and then back to work full time. I am looking forward to the schedule, to meeting my students, and going back to school.

Princess Day 1

2010-08-01T15:59:00.001-04:00

I am pregnant today. Jon and I went this morning where they transferred 2 embryos. We even have pictures of them. Now we are waiting to see if they attach. Today's process was not difficult at all. In fact it is one of the easiest parts of the experience. The waiting is the most difficult part of all of this, but we are so blessed that we have crossed every controllable hurdle with few problems. Throughout these past few days I have been putting my hands on my stomach and praying the Lord's Prayer, know that Thy Will be done, no matter what.

My fertility clinic has been fabulous. There are three doctors at the office and my main guy has been on vacation this week, therefore I have seen the other two this week and was just as impressed by both of them. I have purposely never named any of them in this blog because I don't want someone to judge my clinic on something that has happened to me. You may have a totally different experience, but if you ever need a referral I would be happy to talk to you in private. I have heard both positive and negative things about my doctors and all fertility doctors in Indy but I am happy to say that I have not had any issues.

Today is considered my "Princess Day." Not total bed rest, but take it easy day. No cooking, cleaning, lifting a finger. It is pretty nice and Jon has been wonderful, getting me water, the remote, my cell phone. I get one more of these tomorrow! I also had a nice surprise; Erica and Dave were driving though Indy and stopped by for lunch. Jon went out and got Dom's pizza and we had a great lunch with them. It was a good distraction and a great way to spend a part of the afternoon.

My parents will be down tomorrow when Jon is at work, so I am well taken care of. My dad is going to finish our laundry room as well. Yeah! Our last project done…..Just in time to possibly start another one….

Waiting to Sunday

2010-07-30T16:49:00.001-04:00

I have not written for a few days because I don't want to jinx it. I know that God knows today if we will be pregnant in a month and possibly have a baby in nine and if He wants us to be pregnant than we will be. And there is nothing I can do about that except pray that I am ready for the results.

Currently things are going great. We are doing a five day transfer on Sunday which has better results than a three day transfer, so I am hopeful. The biologist seems very positive about everything therefore I am not too worried as of today. Again if God wants us to be pregnant at this time, we will be, no matter what is happening at the fertility clinic.

So to keep my mind off of all this, I hate to admit this, but I have been GTLing it with the Jersey Shore kids. Yep, I DVRed the marathon yesterday in hopes that I would have something to watch during my bed rest on Friday and then we were pushed back to Sunday and well, I still have been bed resting while watching the madness on tv. I did not watch the show the first time around so this is all new to me. I just cannot believe I live in the same country as these people. We are so on opposite sides of the planet. Jon keeps saying you want to be a mother and you are watching this?? Yep, and the Housewives, and the Batchelorette, and just thank your lucky stars that I am over The Real World and Flavor Flav.

Maybe there will be a Jersey Housewives marathon on Sunday….

Just Laying Around

2010-07-27T15:11:00.001-04:00

Today I am laying in bed again. I guess that is what the end of my summer vacation has come to, a bunch of laying around being lazy. I am pretty sure that is not the worst way to spend these last two weeks. So Monday I had the day off from the fertility doctor, but I was there bright and early this morning. Again they had trouble with my veins, oh vey, but I was put out around 8 for a 20 minute procedure to vacuum up my eggs. They got 15, which I think is great! Not all will be fertilized, but hopefully the biologists will be able to make a few embryos with those.

So this afternoon I am just recovering not so much from the surgery but the pain. It is like the worst case of cramps you have ever had. I get pain medicine every 4 hours and I am on that like clockwork. But other than the 12 inches around my belly button the rest of me feels fine. I kind of feel empty but in a good way.

Jon is doing all that he can to be the great husband that he is. I keep asking him when it will be his turn to have something done, as I have had three surgeries since we have met to his zero. I guess I should be thankful that it is me, because I have a funny feeling he would not make the best patient, however he is making a fabulous nurse. A bit too protective at times but it is all for love.

Excited

2010-07-26T08:52:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling so much better. The last shot that I took is supposed to release all these eggs that my body keeps popping out. I no longer have this tight feeling. I actually feel almost normal. I also love the fact that I am still in bed at 8:30 and have not had to get up to give myself a shot.

This past weekend was very empty. I was in bed a bunch because I just did not feel well and we had no real plans. It was weird to turn to Jon and say we may never have another weekend like this again. I was disappointed that I did not get to spend more time outside but loved that I got to stay in my pajama pants all day.

I am so full of hope today. I think that if we had not done the "buy 2 get 4 free" plan I think I would be nervous, and for good reason, but I am not really all that nervous. Yes, I really want everything to be pain free, I want a good result, but I am not panicked with fear that if this does not work where do we go next. I am hopeful that we have success and excited. I am excited. That might be the first time I have ever written those words to describe infertility. Today I am excited to see what the next month will hold, to see how the second act will go, to see the curtain call and realize we may be the actors that got the happy ending.

This week I am asking for prayers, I know that God works miracles. I know that God has a plan, and I trust that this road was a part of his plan for Jon and I, however I don't know when this road will end. Only He does. And I pray that I am ready for the next step, especially if I have to pack up my bags and keep walking.

We are so close

2010-07-25T14:52:00.001-04:00

At 7:46 tonight I am done with the shots! YEAH!! I have one last shot that needs to be taken at 7:45 and that is all. The rubbing alcohol, the cotton balls, the red medical waste container, all of it gets put away. So just to update, this past week I went to the doctor almost every day for monitoring and blood work. Yes, they stuck the girl who has no easy veins 6 times since last Monday. I have been on three shots a day for 10 days and my insides are very uncomfortable, tight and crampy, and because of the heat I have had to stay inside this past weekend.

I go on Tuesday to "harvest" my eggs. I am put out for this part. Then we do either a three day embryo transfer next Friday or a five day transfer next Sunday and I am on bed rest for 48 hours after that. And it is over. It is over…… I write those words and then I think, it is never really over. It is still the only thing I think about when I am alone, the only dream I still cling to. I don't even think this journey will be over when I take home a healthy baby. How can such a big part of my life be over?

It is kind of like graduation from college. It was a four year process and then in one day it is over. You have passed that test and you are just waiting for the next one which quite likely could hit that very same day. The hard part is, you look back at college with fond memories. You remember the good parts, you forget the bad and you think those were really the best days of my life. Did you think that when you were living them? When you had to write papers, and figure out math problems that took pages of paper, and student teach.

Will I ever look back on these days and say those really were the best days of my life? I have to believe that I am closer to God than when we started this journey. I am closer to God today that when I started this blog in April. I am closer to Jon. Can I find blessings along this path? Will God bless me like he did Job? Will I be stronger for the next struggle? Will I be ready for the next struggle?

The Foolish Woman

2010-07-25T14:27:00.001-04:00

I wrote this on Wednesday, but forgot to publish it…..My second IVF monitoring appointment went great, just waiting for the call from the doctor's office to give me my numbers and all of that. We go for our counseling appointment today. Everyone that does IVF at my doctors goes to professional counseling. I have never been to any professional counseling outside of the six pre-marriage sessions though church. I am not sure what to expect, what questions to ask and all of that, but I guess it is what it is. I am sure they have a plan.

My Bible Study book Crazy Love was talking about Job this chapter, I also got a flyer with some verses from Job and so I have been studying Job as well. The book is in the Old Testament where God does "test" his followers. FYI, we no longer have to worry about being tested by God in this way because of Jesus and the New Testament. But basically Job can be summed up fairly quickly. Job is tested three times, looses everything, has sores on his whole body, and all of this and never curses God. NEVER! He says over and over how can we praise God for the good things he blesses us with and not then yell at God for the bad. His exact words according to Job 2:10 to his wife no less are "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

Wow what a question. I am quick to take all the good things sent my way, but I don't want the bad. I don't want it at all, and here I am the foolish woman. This is like going on a diet half way, eating good in the morning but having chips and cheese, ice cream, and pizza for dinner. It doesn't work, believe me. How can I be foolish enough to only take the good? It is often the bad that makes me grow, the bad that builds my character, the bad that challenges me. Yet all I want is the good. However, I have a wonderful feeling that God takes the bad and somehow changes it into the good. Funny how God works in that way.

Above all else

2010-07-20T13:44:00.001-04:00

Proverbs 4:13 "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

I wrote about this verse a few days ago and it has been on my mind and my heart ever since I read it again. I keep going back to the fact that at this time five years ago I had yet to meet Jon. I think I was in Europe at this time, more specifically in Chartres with People to People. I was in a room with three other single teachers and we are all "worried" about our futures. We were going over guys we had dated, ones we were seeing and learning all the details about the future Trouts. (michelle do you remember this?) So much happened that trip, so much has happened since. All three of us got engaged within one year of that night, and we have two babies and one on the way, do you think there was something in the water?

I sit here and remember all the worrying I did, all the random guys, all the dates, all the time and energy and prayers and conversations spent on worrying. And today for what? Today I have a wonderful husband that I adore and on my way to having a child. And I still worry. I still spent too much time and energy and thoughts on things that I really cannot do anything about. Today I don't do a great job of guarding my heart, listening to the truth, and believing that God does know best.

The verse says "Above all else" , before every thought, before every action, think about the truth. Believe the truth. My truth is that I am well on the way to hopefully having a child of my own. Stop worrying. Stop worrying about the money, stop worrying about the what if's, stop worrying about the time wasted and let truth flow from the wellspring of life.

Five years ago when I put this verse on the shelf, I never thought it would still mean as much today as it did then. I am no longer guarding my heart from random guys, now I am guarding my heart from myself and my thoughts and my fears, and need to be reminded of the truth.

Updates

2010-07-18T20:52:00.001-04:00

Jon and I had a wonderful weekend at the lake this weekend with my family. I actually begged him to take off on Friday so we could go up a day early, and even though I know we will both pay for it this week, it was worth it! So on Friday morning with the car packed, we head out of the driveway to discover we have a flat tire, I mean 100% flat. We took care of it and only lost one hour of lake time, and then decided to treat ourselves to breakfast out. I really think pancakes with strawberries and whip cream should be considered desert rather than a breakfast item, but who is complaining, they were fabulous!

Tomorrow starts my daily 8:15 appointments. Yes, I am the crazy one that set my appointments up for 8:15 in the morning, on my summer vacation! It might be a bit hard to drag myself out of bed and away from Morning Joe, but I would rather be up and going then waiting all day to go to the doctor. Besides that I have to take my shots at 6:30 am, which is really killing me and the fact that in three weeks my wake up time will be 5:30.

The shots are going well, except for those days when I have to give myself 4, I think 3 is my limit. This second shot is leaving a bit of a bruise, it is actually so funny to look at my stomach, it has all these little dime size circles on it. They don't hurt, so don't feel too badly for me. Just reporting the facts.

This week we are still on shots and monitoring and hopefully if everything is working, we will be implanting next week. I am still just numb to that fact. That a little over one year after we took the trip back to the fertility doctor's office we could be so close to the end. That this journey will either still be chugging along or quite possibly be approaching the final stretch. Wow…my thoughts are all over the place about this fact, and I am trying to quite them.

Lessons from Proverbs

2010-07-15T20:17:00.001-04:00

I am taking a break from Thankful Thursday today because I want to share with you what I am learning in Proverbs. So our Bible Study challenge for July is to read a chapter from Proverbs each day. We chose Proverbs because there are 31 chapters and 31 days in July. Anyways, the challenge was not so that we spend a huge amount of time, but that we make the commitment to do it every day.

So as I was reading the first few chapters I was getting lost in all of them. Things were running together and I was losing focus as I read, I found it difficult to remember what I was reading. To help this I decided to keep a journal and each day write down the verse that spoke to me the most from the chapter. Some chapters have more than one that I really liked and others it was a challenge to find one that applied, but here are some of my favorites.

Proverbs 15:33 The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom and humility comes before honor.

Proverbs 8:11 For wisdom is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare with her

Proverbs 2:8 For He guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones.

Proverbs 11:13 A gossip betrays confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

Proverbs 14:30 A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones

And my all time favorite Proverb so far…..

Proverbs 4:13 Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:13 was my favorite verse when I was single and dating, it was a constant reminder that God wanted to protect me, but I had to protect myself as well. That I could not let my heart and my emotions go before the truth. I had not thought of that verse in so long, it has been 5 years since I have met Jon, and gave him my heart. He does a wonderful job of still guarding my heart and keeping my feeling in check, today more than ever.

Girls Get-A-Way

2010-07-14T14:30:00.001-04:00

I spent the past two days in Cincinnati with my good girlfriend Anthea. It was a get-a-way for both of us. Anthea lives in TX, but is in TN visiting her parents with her two boys this month, and normally I try to make it down. However because of all my appointments I cannot make a trip all the way to TN, therefore we met in Cincinnati.

I had a great great time! We spent the days shopping at some outlet malls, chitchatting and laughing, swapping stories, and catching up. We spent the night watching Eclipse. Some of you may know that I am trying trying trying to read the Twilight series by the time school starts. I am in the middle of the third book, therefore, I watched the movie before I finished. But anyways, it was neat to not know the ending, even though it is making reading the book a bit more difficult. I am pretty sure I will have book four done prior to the movie, as my goal is August 9^th. Either way we had a great time together and I am so glad that we got to see each other.

I start my twice a day shots tomorrow. Three shots in one day…I can do it! As much as I am torn about having to do this process, I am so excited that it might actually work. That we might at one point be pregnant with a child, our child, and I am so full of hope.

Started my cycle

2010-07-13T18:57:00.001-04:00

It is Tuesday and I have been MIA for a bit. First off I have to confess that I missed my first Proverbs reading yesterday. I had my Bible with me, but literally no time to read it, but I am back on track for today. I am enjoying the everyday challenge and hopefully can keep it up once school starts.

We had our "IVF Start Cycle" Appointment on Monday. This was an ordeal to set up. You are supposed to call the fertility doctor on the day you start your period to set your appointment. Well I am a 28 day girl, if you have not figured that out, and I knew I would start on Saturday, and I was going out of town on Monday, so I could not get into the doctor till Wednesday and Jon was super busy on Wednesday with work and then I was suppose to start my new shots on Thursday and they have to be shipped because Walgreens does not stock these, and I was just getting so worked up about it that I called last Friday and lied and told the nurse I started so I could go in on Monday morning, which worked the best for Jon and I.

I was so nervous, timing is not my thing, especially when all of this falls so close to the first day of school, and the last thing I want is to be on bed rest when I have 180 kids at CHS with a sub. Therefore I took control. So much for all that "infertility is to help show you that you must give up control to God" bit. Anyways, you should have seen me this past weekend, I have never wanted my period to start so badly. It was so funny going to the bathroom and being disappointed that I had not started. Ironic? The good news is that I started like clockwork and we are all set up with IVF and I am calm again.

The appointment went really well my blood work and ultrasound was perfect and my shots are set to come tomorrow and I can start them on Thursday. IVF is a complicated process, basically my body is being controlled by meds and doctors and prayers right now. I have daily appointments with these people so they can adjust the meds and check on my progress. I am so in awe of all of it. That these little shots are controlling my body, but so thankful that all of this is possible.

It is Thursday again!

2010-07-08T16:06:00.001-04:00

It is Thursday already! Where is the summer going? We start school in exactly one month! YIKES! Today I was in a bit of a panic because I realized that we start school in exactly one month and I have a lot going on prior to that with the whole IVF thing. I actually freaked out a bit this morning and called the doctor and Jon in a panic, and then Jon called the doctor in a panic, and well, the whole time I was looking at my Bible on the bed thinking I need to calm down. So before I started to worry and worry and worry about timing, and the start of the school year, and if I can get my meds in time and all of that I sat down and read my Proverb for the day, Proverbs 8. I don't think anything in it really spoke to me, but the fact that I made myself look to God and his word, did help. I just need that constant reminder that God is in control, He has a plan, and I am just along for the ride, not driving the car.

This week I have had some wonderful relationship building moments. I am so thankful for the people God places in my life at just the right time.

I am thankful for my friend Gail and her husband Mike. They are newlyweds, and host a huge 4^th of July party every year. It was fabulous! Jon and I had a great time and will not miss it again.
My neighbors, we are so thankful to live in such a great neighborhood. I am so looking forward to our bash on Saturday and all the memories we continue to make with each other.
I am thankful for the nurses at the fertility doctor's office, they always know the right thing to say, and constantly calm my fears.
New babies, I am so thankful that today I got to have lunch with two new babies and their moms. They know it is difficult for me and I know it will be difficult, but I treasure their friendships and am so thankful that their babies are healthy, lovely, and beautiful.
He has not made my list for a bit, but I am so thankful for Jon, for his support and the fact that he worries just as much as I do about my health and our future. I know I could not take this journey with anyone else. Olive you

And as God creates new gifts, he also takes them back; please pray for a dear friend who lost her pregnancy this week and prayers that I know how to best help her.

My Path

2010-07-07T15:09:00.001-04:00

Today things are pretty normal. Is that weird to say? We are enjoying our summer, I am enjoying my break. I have done just about everything I can do at the house and next week I am starting in on my classroom. Trying to finish up projects, getting things ready for next year, and just hopefully making the next school year a bit easier but doing some up front work. Everyone thinks teachers get the summer off, but I disagree, when you are a teacher you may get a break from students but you don't get a break from the work.

I had a wonderful chat yesterday with my neighbor. She is a doll, quite literally, beautiful, funny, the all American girl! Smile Amy, I am talking about you! She has a great perspective on life and I really appreciate the friendship we are forming. Anyways, I shared with her this story that I had heard at youth group a few months back, and God keeps putting it in my thoughts, conversations, and the like, so here goes.

In youth group we were talking about the "fairness" of God, or something like that. It was just before prom time and the speaker was talking about a girl who was a non-Christian and how they got everything they wanted. They drove a new car, they had a date to the prom, they got good grades, and why was it that this non-Christian was being blessed when Christian's seem to have their fair share of problems. And what I got from the speaker was, the devil works hard on Christians, we are in a constant battle with him, he does throw problems in our paths so maybe we will turn away from our faith. On the other hand, the devil does not need to work on the non-Christian, he already has them, so he is not going to throw problems at that person because those problems may lead the person to Christ.

I have gone back to that story so many times over the past few weeks. Why am I going though this infertility journey and girls who cannot care for children and do not want them get pregnant? It looks so unfair from my judgment seat. But I do not have ultimate authority, I do not have control over my life, my path, God does. The devil is working on my heart, trying to get me to doubt God's ultimate control over my life. The devil is throwing infertility, struggles, problems, into my path and he is not going to win.

The Report

2010-07-05T20:18:00.001-04:00

I am trying to be as truthful about this journey as I can, because hopefully someone else who needs the truth, the girlfriend in their kitchen, kind of advice will find it. Because that is what I need. The details on the other stuff, such as the shots….

I wish I could say they are super painful, that I have bruises all over my stomach, that I can hardly stand to jab that thing into my belly, because I am sure I would get tons of sympathy for that, but they are not all that bad. Other than the part when you are looking at the needle and trying to get the courage to stick yourself, I am doing fine. That and the medicine needs to be refrigerated, and I have to now schedule my life around a 5:30 shot time, so if you want to catch me at home, stop by around 5. The one thing that is really killing me is the fact that from Saturday forward no alcohol and caffeine while on the meds.

This is the first of two medicines I have to be on, so I will report back when I start the second and the twice a day shots. Yes, now I have to figure out when to be home twice a day at the same time. But I guess that is part of the fun of infertility. All I know is the second shots are super duper expensive, and I have to take it twice as often. Go figure.

Jon and I had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend, two beautiful days at the lake, friends and all of my family was up and Sunday was topped off with a 4^th of July party and fireworks of epic proportions at our friends house in Indianapolis. We had a wonderful time! This morning, Jon and I went out to breakfast because he had the day off as well, and spent the afternoon together. It was a great day.

Checking in…how are you doing on your Proverbs readings. I am still on target….hope you can say the same.

It is way too early to be up

2010-07-02T06:40:00.002-04:00

My first morning off of summer school and I am up already. I was actually up at 5:50 this morning, wide awake with the birds. Maybe I can blame it on them, we slept with our windows open, do birds always chirp this loudly? Either way, here I am, trying to decide what to do with my day, checking emails, and now writing. Actually trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my summer as well.

Do to the daily or every other day appointments, Jon and I had to cancel our vacation plans to South Carolina this year. I am very bummed. We have always described our family vacation to Edisto as the "best week of the year." And it truly is. Sun, Beach, Family, Wales, Stories, Food, Golf Carts….one full week of nothing. But this year we are staying home. This hopefully turns out to be a positive.

This is the thing I hate; we are taking such a gamble, giving up things we love, turning down opportunities, just so that we may have success. Yes, it is well worth it, if we get pregnant, but what happens if we don't? Will I still say that staying home all summer was worth it? It is all about scheduling and I am tired of that, living my life on a schedule.

I am suppose to start my shots on Saturday, thinking this is not a big deal, but I have to pick a time in the evening to do this, and make sure that I do it at the same time for three weeks. Here is the issue, what time do I pick? This should be easy; I was thinking 9 at night. Before bed, most likely I will be home, ect… But this weekend we have firework shows on both Saturday and Sunday nights, and Mondays I watch the bachelorette at Holly's, and next weekend we have the movie in the park, and, and, and, my medicine needs to stay refrigerated, and I just cannot figure out a way to get this done.

So tomorrow is the big day, the 6 week commitment, the start to the best chance I have at getting pregnant. Say prayers that this is God's plan for us.

Thankful Thursday July Edition

2010-07-01T10:11:00.002-04:00

Welcome to July, 2010 is officially half over, ahh can you believe it we are now in month 7. Yikes! As you all know January is when Jon and I officially could start trying again, and now we are in month 7 with no results. It is hard to mark time like this. But today is a new day and this is a new month and a new cycle with a new process and hopefully a new result.

Our Bible study challenge for the month is to read a chapter from Proverbs every day, 31 chapters, 31 days. I will try to post what I am reading and learning, but join us! If you don't have a Bible in front of you google it, print it out, do whatever it takes to read a chapter a day. Hold me accountable!

And on to Thankful Thursday...

1. I am thankful that today is my last day of summer school! YEAH! I am writing this as my students finish their final exam, and I will not be back at CHS till August. Clarification....I will not be teaching until August, however I have plans to come to CHS next week. Do teachers ever get a full summer off??

2. I am thankful to live in the United States of America. I have been watching the John Adams documentary off of HBO these past few weeks from the library and I keep asking Jon if all this is real, because I am so at awe over how this country was formed and how lucky I am to be living in it. Highly recommend the John Adams series if you have not watched it.

3. I am thankful that I have too many plans for this 4th of July weekend. I wish we could attend them all, but having a full schedule makes me feel loved.

4. I am thankful that this summer has been filled with beautiful weather. God keep it coming, I am lovin it!

5. I am thankful for you! For all the readers who comment and those who don't. The ones that email me notes of encouragement and hope and say prayers and smile. I am so blessed.

Have a safe and enjoyable 4th of July holiday. Ohh and Ahh as you watch the fireworks, eat watermellon and strawberries, and wave some sparklers in the air!

Cancer 100%

2010-06-30T14:29:00.002-04:00

I have one big grip about suffering from infertility. It is that no one talks about it. Very few people share their struggle until after they get pregnant. I know of people who say my friend is struggling with this, or my sister did an IUI, but I have encountered few people who have said, "I am struggling with infertility." It is a like a secret club that no one wants to join, therefore most keep their membership private.

The sad thing is that, that is just not me. I have always been one that talks about my problems, asks for advice, does internet research. And I am now wondering if I am making people feel uncomfortable when I am so open about this. Because today I would just like to have one women who has done IVF in the past six months either successfully or not hold my hand and tell me exactly what is going to happen in the next few weeks. How they did it, handle the feelings and the shots, and the fears. What is going to happen to me really, not doctor speak, but how to handle all the other bags that are necessary for this journey.

My favorite author Kelly Corrigan has a new book/short story out. I got it from the library yesterday called Lift. I had no idea what I was getting but I like her, so I thought I cannot wait to start this book. I look at the back cover and it is a memoire about being a mother. Oh my gosh, the wind is knocked out, do I read it, do I just take it back, what do I do? So I did the logical thing and turned to page one. Within minutes of reading, she is on the subject of infertility and how blessed she is that having children was so easy for her. This women has had breast cancer twice, two times, and when asked if she had a choice for her daughters to either suffer from cancer or suffer from infertility she would choose cancer 100% of the time. What a statement. Now I have never suffered from cancer, but I would agree with her as well.

I would choose to have cancer over the heartache that I am going through today. Yes, the treatments may be basically the same, daily doctor visits, consultations, however I feel cancer is an acceptable disease and infertility is not. There are lots of cancer survivors. They proudly wear their pink shirts, and participate in their golf fundraisers, and ask for prayers at church, and have support groups. Yet we don't really celebrate infertility survivors. We see the baby if they are blessed enough to have one, yet does anyone really shout to the world that they beat infertility or they didn't?

The worst part is that if you don't beat infertility, you don't die, sure a part of you does, but you have to keep on living, and celebrating and hoping. You have to carry that part that dies with you every day, every moment, forever.

Let the IVF road begin

2010-06-28T11:16:00.002-04:00

We have made the commitment, we are taking the plunge. I am starting shots on July 3rd, and we are officially signed up for IVF. The money has been paid, the medicine ordered, the daily appointments scheduled. We are jumping in with both feet. We are on the IVF journey.

Jon has stressed to me over and over this week, this is a journey. It is not a quick fix, I should not expect to get pregnant on the first try, we are traveling down the road, not just jumping to the end. It is because of this that we signed up for the Attain program. It is basically 2.5 times the cost as one IVF cycle, but it will pay for up to 6. I am such a numbers person that the risk of spending more money than necessary is hard for me to part with, but the stress of knowing that all our eggs, quite literally, are not in one basket but spread out in six makes the extra money worth it. I think that if I get a BFN, (big fat negative, for all of you who had no idea, I had to look it up as well) on the first try, at least I have five more. And if I get a BFP, (big fat positive) then I don’t really think I will be all that upset about the extra money.

The other upside to the Attain program as Jon explains it is that, they only approve people that they know have a good chance of getting pregnant. Basically after try two the Attain program is losing money on me, because they have to pay the doctor the same price each time. That also gives me a bit of comfort.

Therefore this next school year I am working for a baby and I am so happy that my money is going to something I really really want. At least it will make getting up in the morning a bit easier, knowing that I have a reason for each day. If it was only that easy, save up and then cash in.

The only big issue I have with IVF is that I feel it takes the miracle out of the miracle of life. I feel getting pregnant is no longer a “God” thing and more of a “science” thing. Which I am still struggling with. However I know that infertility is a disease and we have medicine to treat diseases and therefore this is the medicine I need. Only God knows if Jon and I will ever have our own children, and He does have a plan, therefore, maybe this is a part of it.

Thankful Thursday

2010-06-24T16:26:00.001-04:00

I am thankful that today is a beautiful day in Noblesville. The sun is out, the birds are singing and the water is finally draining, and tonight I get to go listen to Elvis at the Noblesville parks concert with some friends from CHS.
I am thankful that this weekend will be filled with friends that I don't get to see very often. Meatfest on Saturday night at the Schaefers, and lunch with some high school girls on Sunday. So looking forward to it.
I am thankful that yesterday I got to have lunch with two amazing Christian girls from my church. I really enjoy Carmel Lutheran and am so glad that both Jon and I are forming good friendships there.
I am thankful that today I have had a few minutes to just sit and relax and be still. It is such a necessary break from the everyday go, go, go.
I am thankful for my mom and sister who would do anything for me, and support me no matter what.

Congratulations to Angie and Bill who are now engaged! Yeah! I cannot wait to hear all the details on Sunday and to see the ring.

Smiles

2010-06-23T19:21:00.001-04:00

I was afraid that the blog has gotten too painful, not a great representation of what goes on for the other 23 hours of the day. When I am writing the posts, I get to let out my feelings, my emotions, my fears and my hopes, yet that is not all that my days entail. They are busy, they are full of fun times as well and I am not sure that I highlight all of those. Sure it is hard to put on a happy face for every appointment or every well meaning question but I do have happy moments and a lot of them. There are days when I don't have to put on a happy face, it just comes, the smiles, the laughs, they just appear. Days when I am happy just to be happy.

Heaven Stands

2010-06-22T16:36:00.001-04:00

Life happens so quickly, and it is not slowing down! I cannot believe all that has been going on these past few days. What happened to my lazy days of summer that I just wrote about? Every day just keeps going and going and then it is over. What a week. One week ago I found out that a dear friend lost her father. Oh the heartache that I am feeling for her. How difficult all this is, how final. Knowing that God has a plan and his plan always comes true.

I am listening to a song given to me by Taryn, by JJ Heller. She told me to listen to it a bit ago, but today I finally downloaded it. The best line is "when my world is shaking, Heaven Stands." What a great reminder, because my world is falling apart some days. Some days it is more than shaking, it is crumbling, crushing down on my heart, just suffocating me. Yesterday was one of those days.

In the midst of coming back to Indy, I went to fertility again. Again, and again, oh for the day when I don't go to fertility. Anyways, I thought it was going to be a pretty normal visit, in fact I told Jon not to come because I was so certain that it was nothing important. It was not a normal quick in, take blood, do a test, it was a full hour of what is going to happen over the next two months. How to give myself shots, the daily appointments, the 22 page consent from, all the decisions that need to be made before we can start. The fact that all of this will fall the week before school and or the week of school starting. The stress of that was enough for me just to throw in the towel.

Yet, when my world is shaking, Heaven Stands. God stands and holds me and protects my heart, and reminds me this is what I want. But today that is very hard to see, that come July 3rd, I am giving myself daily shots, that I am not going on vacation because I have to check in daily, that this summer will be a constant reminder of pain. Yet, when my world is shaking, Heaven Stands.

Blessings All Mine

2010-06-17T11:04:00.001-04:00

I have been MIA for the past week. Things have been a bit crazy for me and not in a good way. A dear friend and my cousin Erica suddenly lost her father on Monday. It has been an overwhelmingly difficult week for the family. I have spent time in FTW with her and her mom and the funeral is tomorrow. I know all prayers would be appreciated. In the midst of all of this, Jon and I started our IVF road on Monday as well, so I have been back and forth to Indy giving blood and filling out paper work and learning as much as I can prior to the process. Nothing has gone well, I was stuck three times one day for blood work, got nothing but bruises and then had to go back the next day to be stuck two more times to finally hit a vain. Why God, why?

That is the question of the week. Why God? Why did Bob pass away so suddenly? Why am I dealing with infertility? Why does all of this come at the same time? Why can’t I experience some good news? Why if you knew that I was going to have to go through all of these treatments, do I not at least have an arm they can draw blood from? Why can’t something just be easy? I am not asking for an easy life, and easy road, but just throw me a bone, will you?

Then I think, God looks at me and says "are you nuts?" Easy, your whole life is easy, and comparatively it is. I am blessed, I am loved, I am working, and moving and able. I have so many blessings that do make my life easy. Again, why do I get so hung up on the one thing that does not? So therefore today is count your blessing Thursday. Which was a welcomed reminder this week.

1. I am blessed to have a relationship with you Father. To be able to speak to you daily and to know that you answer prayers.
2. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, family and Indy family. You all are the best.
3. I am blessed to have a job, one that allows me to have a few days off in the summer.
4. I am blessed to be able to have the means to go through infertility treatments.
5. I am blessed that today, I am alive, healthy, as happy as can be, and can count my blessings.

Prayers and Love go out to Taryn today, who is leaving for Italy for an entire month. I will miss you dearly!

Day one, strike three

2010-06-13T21:29:00.004-04:00

It seems that for the past few cycles, I don't even get the chance to pee on a stick. My cycle is so regular it makes me scream. I always start on day 28. It is so frustrating that you know it is coming, that you know that today will be the day, the bad day, how are you going to prepare? It actually makes days 26 and 27 the worst days, as you know the dreaded P will be on the planner tomorrow.

I was not even expecting anything this time, I knew the chances were none, and yet I still had a slice of hope that will not go away. It is always there, and it always gets hurt. It always gets hurt. The sad part is that I cannot seem to control it. Why can I just snuff out the hope and then in turn snuff out the hurt.

I am so worried that if I get this upset about a slice of hope, what happens when we do IVF and it is the whole pie, the whole enchilada, on the line. How am I going to react when the stakes and the money jump to a whole new level? I told Jon today that if I am not pregnant by the time I am 35, then we can stop trying and sell our "family" home and buy a small house on the lake. It hurt to say those words out loud. To know that there may be a time when those words become my reality. To know that all the planning and the pain were for nothing.

Again this past weekend I spent about 60 hours with Jon and not a great attitude. So sorry babe, I appreaciate and love you more than you will ever know and I did have a great weekend.

“Blessing of children”

2010-06-12T08:25:00.002-04:00

Jon and I are in Illinois for a wedding this weekend. It is a very dear friend from Butler; we would not have missed it for anything. It was a Catholic wedding. First off I am not very familiar with the Catholic faith, I grew up Lutheran and well, there is sort of a cross town rivalry between the two in Fort Wayne. However, the one thing that hit me over and over was they mentioned at least six maybe seven times that night the "blessing of children." Like it was expected that children would just pop out of thin air the minute you say I do. I know that the Catholic faith has its own views on children, and I am not all that familiar with them, therefore I am just reporting what I heard. But where is the whole, figure out how to be married, enjoy being a family of two, realize that your love for each other is the most important part of a marriage and worry about the kids later.

Now I realize that I am extra sensitive to this topic and maybe no one else even noticed, however I guess it is difficult for me to see and know that a great majority of people still believe that conceiving a child is just an easy, fun, non-stressful task. Get the timing right, plan, pee on a stick and bam you are pregnant. There are so many unplanned, "surprise" children out there how can I be at it for over a year and yet, I don't get that surprise?

My story is nothing like that, and will never be the romantic it was our anniversary, or we went away for the weekend. It will be the; we sat in a fertility clinic for over a year, after the frustration and heartache was too much and you were conceived in a lab. Which does not mean we don't love you any less, it just means that you were wanted desperately and maybe were our last chance at any hope.

I am unsure if I have written this before but the definition of insanity is: trying the same thing over and over again and hoping for or expecting a different result. This could also be the definition of infertility. Every 28 days trying the same thing, and hoping that it will finally work. And you all wonder why I am going insane.

Summer is Sun, Strawberries, and Scotty's

2010-06-10T16:21:00.003-04:00

Today was a good day, actually it was a Great day. It was the kind of day that you can only have with a few good friends, lots of sugar, and a few drinks. Taryn, Holly, Julie and made the long trek from Carmel down to Indianapolis for the Stawberry festival on the circle. The trek was long, construction on Meridian and Downtown did not help and parking was a pain, but it was worth it! The converstation on the way down provided enough laughs for the entire day.

Four girls, sitting in the sun, eating homemade strawberry short cakes. Laughing, sharing, taking wild pictures, realizing that everyone else is working. How wonderful! Being able to sit outside in shorts and a tank rather than a suit and tie. You only worry is if you have enough sun screen on. You finish up and the second part of your downtown adventure starts. You walk to Scotty's.

Scotty's is the my most favorite sports bar/resturant in Indy. I love that place. I especially love the downtown location with their summer couches outside, where we can relax and continue the converstaions and laughter. We have a great time. A great summer day with sun, strawberries, Scotty's and friends.

One Day Early

2010-06-09T16:33:00.001-04:00

Thankful Thursday a day early….tomorrow I am pretty busy with the girls. We are headed downtown for the annual Indianapolis Strawberry Festival. It is not that festival like, but rather just a bunch of people eating strawberry shortcakes under the sun around the circle. I am super excited! Therefore here is the list….

1. I am thankful for my summer school students. This is the first year that I have taught summer school and it is much better than I ever thought. I am enjoying it, but also looking forward to the days when I don't have to get up and go to school.

2. I am thankful for the Noblesville summer concert shows. Last Thursday Jon and I had a great date night listening to Dave and Rae at Forest Park. The weather and the company were perfect. It is also good to realize that even though I may be the oldest at Champps for Dave and Rae Wednesdays I am one of the youngest at Forest Park.

3. I am thankful for great nights with Jon. He is on this Star Wars kick because I have never seen the movies all the way through and we have spent the last few nights watching the movies together.

Congratulations to Kristin and Dave who will be getting married tomorrow. I love the Friday weddings and cannot wait to see the beautiful bride.

Lazy Days

2010-06-08T15:31:00.001-04:00

Today has been a lazy day, it is cloudy outside and I have a bunch of movies to watch, so I am enjoying having nothing to do after summer school. I am not so good at posting right now as my days are just not full of that much excitement. I am also not on a schedule day by day, like I am during the school year. Therefore, I am just not getting writing done as I would like, because I am busy doing other things. I am also not as diligent with my Bible Study again because I am not on a schedule. Maybe it is because I have too much free time. Too much time to just put it off till tomorrow because I know that tomorrow I have time to do it. When I am working and tutoring, I have every hour scheduled therefore I cannot afford to put it off till the next day.

Either way, I need to remember that these lazy days will not last forever, and summer will soon be over, and hopefully I will not have too many more summers with this much free time. So I need to enjoy it. Read books, spend time with friends, and just relax during my lazy day summers.

Two different views of God

2010-06-06T21:41:00.002-04:00

I always come home from Bible Study inspired. I am so thankful for such wonderful Christian women to share my life with. We are studying the Crazy Love book which is wonderful, and the author stated that all of our "issues" with Christianity come from the fact that we have an incomplete and inaccurate view of God. I don't have the book in front of me, but it was along those lines. So we discussed this.

Jodi had a great perspective and it really helped me to understand. She said that we have two different views of God, the coffee shop God, and the Cathedral God. The coffee shop God is just that, someone you would sit down and have coffee with, someone that is loving and forgiving and you can have a relationship with. The Cathedral God is the one that is Holy, and Almighty, and Reverent, and way up there looking down on you. The problem lies when we let our view of God to become too much in one direction. When we sit down with the coffee shop God we tend to forget that God dislikes sin, and He judges, and holds you accountable for your actions. When we view God from the Cathedral we see God as distant and far away and not with you every moment. I am so sure that I am having coffee with God more often than the other. Is this wrong? No, but I need to realize that God is so much more than just a relationship.

When I think about all that goes into creating a child, I sit back and am amazed that there are any people on the earth. In a "perfect" couple there is only an 18% chance of conceiving each cycle. Most women only create 6-8 mature eggs a year, there are only about 12 good hours a time. The whole process is just amazing. It helps me to see the Cathedral God, the God of creation, the fact that life truly is a miracle. Which makes me ponder what I am doing today with this life while waiting to create a life.

Thankful Thursday still in process

2010-06-02T21:39:00.002-04:00

Last night I spent the night with the girls, Jon's two adorable cousins who are 5 and 7 and full of live and love and energy. It is fun to do that. Spend time with two little people who adore you, call you their favorites, and their best friends. The ones that take an hour to walk around the neighborhood picking flowers, the ones that pet every dog they see. The girls that just make me smile.

It gives me hope that someday I will have children of my own to do this with. It gives me a glimpse at my future. It lets me know how difficult this parenting thing really is. To know that no matter how hard it may be it will be worth it. To believe and fully trust that it will happen for me.

I have much to be thankful for and will be listing it soon, I have to get ready for summer school….check back…

So much for knowing how to blog, I thought I posted this above but did not. Therefore here is the list...

1. My girlfriends Holly and Taryn. I can count on them for just about everything from having a buddy to watch the batchelorette with, to a long phone call about nothing. Thanks girls!

2. For the Carmel Library. I love to read, watch movies, and listen to books on CD. I visit the library almost daily during the school year and about twice a week now. I love all that the library has to offer for free.

3. Lake George, I have spent summers at the lake for the past 31 years and this weekend I had one of the best Memorial Day weekends I can remember. It was warm, Jon made his famous ribs, and we relaxed in the sun.

I have a praise from last week. My sister Julie not only had a great trip to Arizona, but came back and ENGAGED girl! We are so excited and happy for her and Nate.

Blue

2010-06-02T07:10:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling down lately. Not anything too extreme, "but I guess that is why they call it the blues." Just blue, more like bummed. More like, I have been at this for over a year and am just tired, just want it to happen, just want this road to be over, just want one thing to go my way. Is that too much to ask for?

I look back at this paragraph and know that every sentence could be written for every issue I have ever faced, every bad date, every failed diet, every missed opportunity and today I am alive, healthy, and thankful. It is summer, the ten weeks of a year that are sunny, fun, work free, hot, full of activities, and yes, I am thankful for those, but I am not really looking forward to them. For the past nine summers I have had something exciting happening, traveling overseas, planning for a wedding, taking classes, decorating a house, and this summer….I am teaching summer school and doing fertility treatments. Yeah! Sounds like, oh so much fun. Do you get why I am blue?

Jon has noticed the quietness, he asks every day what is wrong? I cannot really put it into words. I am not really sad, just processing all of it again and again and again. Just thinking and aching for it to be over. I am tired of the tears that fall, I am tired of the waiting, I am tired of doing our finances seeing the money we have spent on nothing. I am just plain tired of being infertile.

When we were at the new doctor on Friday, we waited over an hour to see him, not a good move on anyone's part. But I said to Jon on the way there, "we have to hurry up…" for what, to wait. That is how this journey feels right now; we have to hurry up to wait, for nature, for God, for appointments. I am not doing well with the waiting, I am seeing my summer slip by with every phone call, calculating that in two cycles I will be back at school, knowing that nothing may have changed, and it makes me blue.

The road yet traveled

2010-06-01T07:10:00.000-04:00

Tis the time for graduations, high school, college, kindergarden…The celebrations, the excitement of it all, having the whole world before you. The future is yours. Remember those days, the days when you had your cap and gown and diploma and knew that you had so much ahead of you, maybe a new job, maybe a new school, there was an element of excitement and an element of fear.

That is where I stand today. Jon and I visited a new doctor on Friday, and even though I don't have any intentions of switching doctors, I wanted a second opinion to see what he would say. It was basically the same as our current plan. We are on the IVF road, traveling down the scary, expensive, difficult path that it is. There is an element of excitement because the chances of getting pregnant are good, but not guaranteed. There is an element of fear, because it is such a gamble, and I am not the gambling type.

Either way, we have a plan. Is that a good or a bad thing? Does having a plan help my mental sanity or does it just hurt as my plans do not come true month after month? I am excited and yet still so fearful of this road. I am standing at the beginning with my cap and gown and looking down the road yet traveled, and wondering where this road will lead.

First Friday off

2010-05-28T10:35:00.004-04:00

Last night I had a wonderful night celebrating my first night of freedom. I went to the neighborhood ladies night and just laughed and talked and shared. It was a great few hours.

Today Jon and I are headed to a new doctor for a second opinion. We are at the we have tried everything but the IVF stage and I want a second opinion before we go to the, we are in the IVF stage. I am looking forward to what he will say, but also nervous.

Congratulations to Michelle and Scott who had a little girl yesterday, Allie Jane, we are so excited for you and cannot wait to meet her.

Have a great Indy 500 weekend. I love all the excitement that surounds the city in May. Indy sure has had some big moments this year. The Colts in the Superbowl, Butler in the Final Four, and now the 500.

Enjoy your memorial day weekend. And a special prayer for all of us with family in the military.

Prayer Request Thursday

2010-05-27T07:10:00.000-04:00

Thankful Thursday has turned into prayer request Thursday for this one short week. I have much to be thankful for….especially the fact that this is my LAST day of school, but I have had so many prayer requests come through that could use prayers, therefore, if you are led, please pray for the following.

My dad's cousin Ken died this week un-expectantly and his funeral is today. His wife Donna is taking this very hard. Both of them are wonderful Christians and I know that Ken is with the Lord; however it is still difficult on everyone. Also pray for all of my Kruse family that is flying in and out of Fort Wayne these next few days, and all of us who are not there do to most of us being teachers.
One of my parent's friends Dana accidently shot himself this past week at their lake cottage. I am unsure on all the details, but the bullet is still lodged in his brain. They are not expecting him to die from this, but the recovery will be trying to say the least
My sister, Julie, is stressed not only because it is the last week of school, her and Nate are leaving on vacation today, but also her new car decided to quit working. Pray for her and Nate's safe flights to and from Arizona and also that when she returns she will have a fewer earthly issues.
Say a quick prayer for a wonderful friend that is going through a difficult time right now. We know this sucks, and that a bottle of wine cannot take away the pain, but cannot wait to enjoy it with you tonight, outside, with no reason to wake up tomorrow morning, while watching Real Housewives!
A dear family friend has lost the adoption of their daughter from overseas. It was about 5 years in the making, and it has now fallen through. They are grieving.
Praises for the Trout's and the new baby that will be in the world hopefully by tonight! I am hoping for a girl! Congrats and praises to Joy and her new husband as they get married on Sunday.
Jon and I are headed to a new doctor tomorrow, and it gives me hope.

Plans

2010-05-26T07:02:00.000-04:00

This week is moving right along. School is done tomorrow! Summer school starts on Tuesday and goes through July 1^st and then school starts again on August 9^th. Does summer seem like it is already over? As if you don't already know I am a planner. I set out with a calendar this past weekend to plan out our summer weekends. (don't laugh) I have a three month plan, a one year plan, a five year plan. I plan what I am going to do every day with my students, I like to plan our meals, and parties, and days out, and vacations. I like having a plan, it brings me comfort to know what is coming next.

Infertility is something I did not plan for and something that is not going according to my plan and that is tough for me. It is hard for me to open up my hands and let go of my plan and let God pursue His plan. It is a daily struggle, hourly struggle, thought by thought struggle. It hurts, take trust, and just plain sucks some days. Some days I just question God, and other days I am praising Him for forcing me to take this journey. Ahh, I just wish it was not such a difficult road.

However, I know that I am not traveling this road alone. First off just like the poem there are some days when there are two sets of footprints in the sand, and some days there is one. My hand is always being held by Jon and other days it is Jesus. I am struggling but I also have hope. I am 'pregnant' with hope as my Bible Study says. I am hopeful, hope is some days the only thing that allows me to get through the day without tears. Hope the one simple word that stirs up so much inside of me. The light at the end of the tunnel the reason I open my hands and let go of my plan each day.

Hope

2010-05-25T08:14:00.001-04:00

This post is a bit later than normal because last night I had a terrific girl's night watching the Bachelorette at a friend's house, with a bit too much wine, too many brownie sundaes and more laughs than possible. I love when our Bachelor traditions co-inside with summer break therefore we can actually get together rather than just talk about it on Tuesday. God, thank you for my girlfriends, they keep me smiling.

I had another post all ready to go today, written yesterday, but I am not 100% sure that I wanted to put it out for everyone to read. A bit too personal, I am glad that I wrote it because I needed to get it out, but I am not sure I want to post it.

I am reading through the book "Pregnant with Hope" and am 100% sure that every person who is facing infertility feels the same emotions at one point or another. I cannot believe that with the millions of reasons that people are not having children, we can all travel a very similar path. That most likely we will all have someone that says the wrong thing to us, we are all a bit more sensitive, more compassionate. We are all craving the answers and the control that we cannot find anywhere, with any amount of trying.

It has been a good journey through this Bible Study. I am trying to take it slow, as the book is broken down into a ten week study, but I am doing it daily, and trying to re-read what is written, capture what is learned. But I finally feel as if I have someone that understands completely and for that I am truly grateful.

God turned on the heat

2010-05-24T07:03:00.002-04:00

I am not counting the days this time. Actually we are not going to be able to do any treatments for this month because I missed day 3, somewhat on purpose, somewhat not, but either way, day 3 is gone therefore, so is day 28. We are in a holding pattern, a time to regroup, a time to relax, if that is ever possible. A time that I can drink a margarita at girl's night, a beer during the race, a glass of wine with dinner, my life does not revolve around alcohol, however when every month it seems to, it is a nice break to stop wondering. Also no treatments mean a break on the credit card, also a welcomed advantage. As sad as I am that we are not trying this month, I am also relieved and looking forward to a month of 'normal' or as close as I can get to it.

It felt like God turned on the heat yesterday and if I have any say he can turn it off in October, and not a day before. I love summer, I love not having to work all day, I love that my two best friends and sister live in neighborhoods with pools, we can ride the three person tube at the lake, I love that I can make dinner every night, and be at the house when Jon gets home, and I am finally not freezing every second , and that I can actually see the Today show (sometimes still under the covers), and we can ride our bikes, and go to outdoor concerts, and Indian's baseball games, and Bonges. I am so looking forward to the next few weeks.

I also love the extra time I have during the summer months. Extra time to focus on what I want to learn, read, study, not focused on what I need students to learn, read, and study. I think teachers need a break just to help them fill back up on knowledge. We give so much of it away during the school year, and we really don't have the time to learn anything ourselves. Take Bible Study for an example, I love that during the summer I can really concentrate on my Bible Study, I can take the necessary time to read and reread what is being said, that I look up ALL the verses asked rather than just read the next paragraph and get the answers. (Yes, I know you do that too….)

Therefore this weekend I started our new study Crazy Love, it came highly recommended and has not disappointed me yet. Anyways, when I was talking about it to my 8^th period Geometry girls, the one said "You have to watch the videos, you just have to!" Therefore today I watched the videos. Oh my gosh, you have to watch the videos! It was nice to just sit and watch the videos, not taking notes, not having my mind wonder, just listening and learning. Learning that my struggle was planned so this summer I will grow. I will no longer be watching the world happen I will be making the world happen, I will be in two very important relationships with both Jon and Jesus.

Come join me. Walk with me this summer as we grow, as we learn, as we struggle, and cry, and laugh, and live. Take a breath, slow down and realize God created us to be in this place today, even if it not where we want to be.

Thankful Thursday, one day late

2010-05-21T07:02:00.001-04:00

Alright, Myah called me out yesterday about forgetting to list my thankful Thursday, I just did not feel too thankful yesterday, however, here is the list one day late.

I am thankful that today is the last Friday I have to wake up early until mid August. We have exactly one week of school left and the end of the year is wrapping up well.
I am so thankful that I have a few women, friends, who have experienced infertility, have felt these emotions and challenges before and are willing to share, talk, and pray with me.
I am thankful for my neighborhood friends. Jon and I love our home, our location, and we are so blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. The cookouts, girl's nights out and all around wonderful people that we get to share our streets with make me smile nightly.
I am thankful and excited to report that our garden experiment has produced something. Almost all of our "crops" are up and we have harvested 9 radishes, very tasty and fun! Much better than the Farmville version which I refuse to play.
I am thankful for six amazing 8^th period Geometry girls. They surprised me last Friday with a birthday cake and drinks. They are such a wonderful group of Christian girls, and I have enjoyed teaching them and getting to share in their lives this year.

Jon sometimes gets a little jealous of these posts when he is not included, however if I wrote down everything I was thankful for about him, these five spots would always be filled with my amazing husband. I am so thankful that God brought me such a special, supportive, and wonderful man to travel this journey with. Olive you.

Day 2 Again

2010-05-20T07:14:00.000-04:00

I hate these days, I hate them! Everything makes you cry, you are like one of those pretty but very fragile glass ball ornaments that are constantly hitting the floor and then shattering to pieces. You can't find your key, you cry. You go to the bathroom, you cry. You call the doctor and cry. Everything seems to be falling apart at all the wrong times. You cannot pull it together, and you cry some more.

Your husband can tell you, you are beautiful, but when you look in the mirror you see the wreck that you are. The eyes, splotchy face, running nose, the tears that are constantly welled up and ready to pop out. You are not beautiful, but you appreciate his words. You only wish today you were at home, under the pillows, curled up and alone. You take a deep breath and realize life is still moving, you need to move with it. You cannot take a break, you have students walking in the door.

The frustration, the heartache, the hope. How can you feel such opposing thoughts at the same time?

You feel like no one understands and everyone is trying to. Trying to figure out how to help, to make the tears stop, how to make you feel better and comforted. The trying, that is all you need, that people are trying, means so much.

Day 1 Again

2010-05-19T07:15:00.001-04:00

Today is not going to be an encouraging or uplifting post. My heart has been broken once again. My doubts are creeping back in and it is going to be a long, bad day. I am not doing as bad as I have in the past few months, do you think this gets easier with time, after having to repeat this heartache month after month? There is no escaping all of this, no way to make the cycle stop.

I was reminded today of how many people care about me, really truly deeply care. The ones that read this daily, the ones that email prayers and hugs, and constantly remind me they are there when I need them. To know that I am so lucky, fortunate, to have friends, family, so supportive and beautiful and Godly. Ones that may never know what I am going through personally but try to understand, try to say the right things, just try. The prayers that are said, the ones that are unsaid, the ones that are left unanswered.

I am sure that God is faithful, as today, I got a package from Amazon with a Bible Study Jon and I are starting on infertility. It came today, on my bad day, like a package of hope all wrapped up with an Amazon smile, and it did make me smile. I read today that God not only has a plan for my life, but he also has a plan for my child's life, and they need to be born at the exact time for that plan to be carried out. That time has not yet come.

Today is hard, tomorrow will be hard, there is no way to describe this pain. There are so many words to describe the death of someone, if the child has been conceived it is called a miscarriage or even worse an abortion, if it is person an accident, tragedy, blessing, but if the baby was never formed what do you call the empty womb? What word describes the death of child that was never a child?

Day 1 Again

2010-05-18T11:30:00.001-04:00

I started, and even though God does answer prayers, today his answer was no. Thanks for all of the support.

Day 27

2010-05-18T07:10:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I got the best message. All day long I was just waiting, wishing that time passed faster, that it was Thursday and I knew the answer. I actually said that to someone, "I am just wishing the days away." I feel like that a lot right now. I am wishing for school to be over, I am wishing for it to get warmer outside, I am wishing for the weekend and a few days to sleep in, I am wishing for an answer that is still at least 48 hours away. Not only am I saying it, I am actually wishing my days away.

Therefore today whatever the day holds, I am going to enjoy it, live it and not dream for the future. I am changing my focus from what I am wishing for, to what God is wishing for. I am going to try my best to not be nervous, to not be worried and just be. Just for a moment.

I could know today, I could get out one of the four pregnancy tests that I have been storing forever, I could find out my answer, but I am not. I am going to wait to trust and to believe that God still works miracles and if He wants me to be pregnant than I will be. And no matter what I want, I have no control.

A few month ago when I was helping with youth group, we were talking about how the devil works on people in many different ways. Sometimes he brings you blessing after blessing because he knows that in the good times you lose sight of God. Other times he brings others blessing after blessing because he knows that this will cause you to doubt God and sometimes he does not bring anything at all because he knows that you will question where God is.

So where is God today? I continually say that I would not wish the trials of infertility on anyone. No one deserves this struggle, not me and not you. However, in the midst of all of this, I am searching more, reaching out to God more, trusting more, and getting to know God's plan for my life, and I know that without infertility the devil would be using my blessings, a child, to give me an excuse to live an average life. However, I don't want an average life. I want an extraordinary life. I want a God filled life, a life people write books about, and if infertility is how it is going to happen I am thankful.

Day 26

2010-05-17T06:57:00.001-04:00

I am continually encouraged by my Bible Study girls. We are all going though our own shares of prayers and praises and God is working on us in so many different ways, but we are united because we all share a common vision. It is such an instant bond. We define our life in so many words: teacher, tall, blond, age, married, sister, daughter, friend; experiences, travel, Butler, Fort Wayne, Lutheran; yet when I meet someone new, do I use the word Christian? After talking with me for one hour would you know how strong or weak, my faith is? After reading my wall on FaceBook would my words reflect my beliefs?

How can I use these next most difficult days of the cycle to show not only my belief in God, but my trust in God? Yes, I can pray, yes I can hold my breath and hope, and dream, but how will I put my continually doubts back onto God, into His words and His plan. How can I use His patience to get through the next three days because my own is over, finished, I am tired of waiting.

Trust is hard, trust takes faith, trust requires patience. Trust is being refined in the fire, it is believing that the potter is still working on his masterpiece, that the hands are open and lifted. I am trying hard to trust that God is in control. In my heart I know this, in my head I am struggling. He knows the plan, the timing, the moment. God is the only one that knows, and yet I struggle with trusting him?

My challenge, my prayer is that I can grow to trust the Almighty with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind, in ALL my issues.

Day 23

2010-05-14T07:21:00.000-04:00

I am officially 31 years old. Today is my first day of my early thirties. I know all of you reading this that are older are thinking…'oh my gosh, she is so not that old.' Well that is what I hear at the fertility doctor as well. They are always telling me how young I am, it is kind of reassuring. I guess most patients they have are not in their early thirties. I had a wonderful birthday full of friends, family, and food. Julie surprised me at school with a beautiful bunch of lilies, my favorite. Jon had flowers waiting for me at home, I had a birthday dinner with friends at Scotty's and my Facebook was on fire with birthday wishes.

This past week I have had some more time to do research, and explore the internet about infertility. There is so much information. I have found it very funny however, that every blog I have found about infertility ends when the person writing it finally gets pregnant. Most of them have ended somewhere in the 2008 time frame. First off this leads me to two concerns. One, whatever I put or you put on the internet is still out there for everyone to read years after you have given it up. Secondly, is this a journey with such a definite ending that once it is complete you forget about it?

Does the person feel that their dreams have finally come true and they don't want to write about their struggles anymore? I am pretty certain that I will still struggle when and if I ever get pregnant. It will be a different struggle, but my life will not suddenly turn into a bed of roses. I never saw getting pregnant as an ending before, however today I really do believe that. Once you have spent time, money and emotions on such a journey, it has to be a relief when it ends, especially with the ending you have always wanted. I am ready for this journey to end and I am on the front end of things. Regardless this journey has had a few very positive life changing side effects on my relationship with God and my relationship with Jon. These are lessons that I will hold onto long after the end of this struggle.

The one unknown about all of this however is how long we will be in this struggle. How many hours, days, cycles, do I have to count before the end. I got the reminder again today that God is never in a hurry, but always on time. So He knows the time, the place, the moment, my dreams will come true, however when that time comes will I forget about the journey? Will I stop my blog? What will my next struggle be and how did this prepare me for it?

Day 22

2010-05-13T06:55:00.001-04:00

Today is my 31^st birthday. I have been on this earth for 31 years. Wow! It is also my niece's Elaine's 6^th birthday, Happy Birthday sweet little Laney. Today and every Thursday I am going to try something new. I am going to make Thursday my "Thankful Thursday". My friend Myah, who also has a blog about her beautiful three children, is an avid reader and commenter on my blog, love you, suggested this as she does it too and it sounds like so much fun. In the book "The Happiness Project" that I just finished the author also tried to keep a gratitude journal, however found it difficult to find something to be thankful for everyday. I kind of agree and would wonder if I would just make up stuff to fill the pages, rather than being truly grateful for these items therefore I will devote one day to writing down all that I am thankful for. Here is my list for today….

1. I am so thankful that I have been on this earth for 31 years and for almost all of those years I have had a relationship with Jesus Christ. Sure, I did not always put Him first, probably will not always put Him first, but I try. There are times like now when I feel super close to Him and days, months, seasons, that I don't. But I am truly thankful that my parents took Julie and I to church as kids, made us go to Sunday School and Youth Group, and that I have a growing and active faith.

2. I am also thankful that tonight all of my fabulous friends in Indy can get together to celebrate my birthday, but more importantly that we all can get together. It seems like such a rare occasion, wedding, birthday, when every one of us is able to be in the same room.

3. I am thankful for my 1^st period Algebra II class. They are a great group of students and when I got observed last week, they were perfect. Answering all the questions, participating, taking notes….loved it! So thankful as it is the end of the year and some classes are struggling, which leads me to #4

4. I am thankful that: SCHOOL IS ALMOST DONE! Can I get a YEAH? (word of warning, this one will be on the list for the next two weeks)

5. I am thankful that I started this blog. I have found such an outlet for all that I am feeling, I have received complements, words of encouragement, and acts of kindness through this and I really enjoy it. So thank you to all of my readers.

Day 21

2010-05-12T07:10:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is my 31^st birthday; however I am trying so hard to live one day at a time and to enjoy each and every day, that I am not going to worry about tomorrow, or the next day or the next year. I am dealing with today and whatever thoughts, feelings, circumstances that come from today.

Well the good news about today is I finished my Bible Study book yesterday. A wonderful group of Christian women and I have been meeting together for about 7 years now for Bible Study. Girls, can you believe it has been 7 years? I still remember the days when we all met, and were Single in the City, and we went to the Rathskeller and Champps after Bible Study on Wednesday nights. And we had so much fun! And we still have so much fun. How much our lives have changed in 7 years….how much they will change in the next 7. Either way, I finished the last lesson in "Fingerprints of God" and I thought how wonderful our God is, and I know he is touching my life, and your life, and it is difficult when he wants to mold us into something other than what we want, knowing full well that what He wants is so much better.

As much as I look forward to discussing the Bible Study lessons each week, because I do get so much more when I discuss them, my very favorite part of getting together is the getting together part. Knowing that I have a set group of girls, women, who I can share anything and everything with. Girls who have known me long before my husband and ones that are just as close. As we have grown up, yes, we are getting older; I realize how important you are to me. How wonderful it is to know that I have a support group, a prayer partner, a friend for life. Seeing how we change, how our relationships change, how our lives change and yet I can call on any of you at any time, any place, any situation.

So girls, all of you, the ones that are currently in Bible Study, the ones that have moved on, and the ones that just started, thank you. Thank you for giving me some of my very best memories, sharing in my joys and challenging my fears, and being the very best friends anyone could hope for. I cannot wait for the next 7, 17, 70 years together. See you on Sunday!

PS: I would highly recommend "Fingerprints of God, recognizing God's touch on your life" as a great Bible Study. It is a lot like a Beth Moore study, but much easier. I have grown greatly through this study.

PSS: If anyone has any suggestions for our next study leave a comment. We are starting a new book in June.

Day 20

2010-05-11T07:10:00.001-04:00

I sit here today and decide to reflect on 2010. I am only two days away from the day that I have to reflect, take stock in of the past 30^th year so I guess I will start by looking back at the past five months. A recap: We were officially able to start trying again in January. This was after stopping in August when it was determined that I needed a second surgery, having such surgery in October and then the recovery till January. I have to keep reminding myself that this second half of trying has only been five months. Yet, I feel that I have been struggling for years, and maybe that is the case, but the first eight months were sort of useless attempts.

So today we are five months into 2010, and I have failed at all of my New Year's resolutions but one. I made the standard, work out more, eat better, count my blessings, stop shopping…..not saying that I have failed at all of these, but I most defiantly would not give myself anything higher than a D. No the one that I have completed faithfully for five months is to read more. I have always enjoyed reading, a good book is much more entertaining than a good television show, you can take it anywhere, and you can learn so much from others. Therefore I have read/listen to many, many wonderful books over the past five month. Alright, those of you that frequently ride with me in the car, realize that about half of the books I "read" I actually listen to, but I argue that I am still learning the content, having to follow the plot, and overall "reading" the story. It feels so good to finish a book, to see how it all turns out, to see that the time I have invested has reaped a harvest.

That is why I am reflecting today to see if any of the treatments, vitamins, procedures, will ever produce a harvest. Is my trying in vain? I control the speed in finishing a book; however God is controlling the speed in which he is finishing me. Which is never quite done, and never done as quickly as I would like. A few weeks ago, I told some of my very favorite sophomore girl Geometry students the story of how Jon and I met, and how I used to listen to Bebo Norman's "A Page is Turned" song and pray for my husband-to-be. I remember clearly thinking and praying for God to bring him soon and kept stressing to God that I was ready for my husband, as if He did not know that. I used to think that God understood that I was ready, but Jon was not, therefore the wait. I think I started praying like this in college and I did not meet Jon till at least five years later. I don't know anyone who would categorize five years as soon. Yet today I know that I met Jon at that exact moment God had planned for both of us.

Maybe that is how this struggle is a well. I am ready, I am waiting, praying, hoping that I will be pregnant soon, however maybe it is the baby who is not. Only God knows what the future will hold and today he is saying wait, I know you are ready, I understand that, however I am still forming your gift and one day, soon, I will deliver them to you.

Day 19

2010-05-10T07:03:00.000-04:00

This weekend was full of good times and a wonderful husband. I think we spent all but three hours together since Friday night. Jon and I travelled to our Ohio triangle on Saturday. You are asking what is the 'Ohio triangle'? We leave our home on I-70 and go to the fabulous outlet mall in Jeffersonville, OH, about 45 minutes north of Cincinnati, then we travel down I-75 to Ikea and Jungle Jims, and then back to Indianapolis. Our main stop was Ikea, as I have said before we are finishing our laundry room and needed to get shelving, storage tubs, and the like and Ikea is the place for all of that.

As I reflect on this weekend, I give thanks. Thanks to God for such a wonderful, caring, Christian, loving, funny…and I wish I had his vocabulary so I could use more words to describe how fabulous my husband is. I have always felt blessed that God, (and Erica and Dave's wedding) brought us together. I cannot imagine taking this journey with anyone but him. If we never have a child, would I be happy if it was just the two of us? Today I can say yes, but does that diminish my longing for children? No.

How do I balance these opposing thoughts in my head, in my heart? At what point in this journey does one outweigh the other?

At this point in our lives, Jon and I have many childless couples who we enjoy and share our time together, however, will this still be the case in ten years? What happens if we are the only childless couple? Why am I so worried about this? Again, I would be happy if it was just the two of us. Why do I have to continue to remind myself of this? I love Jon, a lot. More than I can ever express. I cannot imagine how I can find more love to give a child, but I want to have the opportunity to try. That is why I am still counting my cycle, still researching, still longing, but will continue to be thankful for life as it is today.

A few random thoughts: The 50^th anniversary of the birth control pill was on Mother's Day. Is it a paradox to wish Happy Birthday to the birth control pill? After watching a news story on the pill they commented that it gave women the control to become a mother or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, as control or the lack thereof, is my main struggle.

Congratulations to Missy and Nigel at the birth of their first son on mother's day. We are so happy for you and your growing family.

Day 16

2010-05-07T11:03:00.001-04:00

Today as I am writing this post, I forgot what day I was on. I actually had to look back at the previous posts to check. That is such a breath of fresh air. To forget for just a moment. I also forgot my medicine for today, so hopefully I can run home at lunch to get it. I guess all these "blond moments" are because last night was a late night for me, but also a great night. My sister and I went to see "Legally Blond, the musical" down at Butler. It was really fun, cute, very girly, so I am thankful that she went with me. I think we both enjoyed it more than any boy in the audience ever would. It was a good escape.

Today as I approach the weekend, and my birthday, and mother's day, I needed that, an escape. I am not too worried about the birthday, last year was the big one and I celebrated in a big way with the help from Jon and my family, so this year is just another year. But was it just another year? I will save that for another day. The other big day is mother's day, and it is hitting me hard! All of the friends I have, that are new mothers or mothers-to-be, all of the hype, it just hurts.

I have always had a special bond with mother's day, as I was born on mother's day 31 years ago. I still remember the story that my dad went to Scott's grocery store in Fort Wayne, just hours after I was born and tried to buy my mom a happy mother's day as they were putting them away. Because she just became a mother.

And I wonder when, if, I will ever become a mother? However, I feel the true word mother may not just be the person that gives birth, or gets cards or flowers on Sunday. It takes more than that to be a mom. How can I use the longing to be a mother in other ways? How can I help out my friends, neighbors, family without giving birth? Again what does God want me to do now?

As I type this the tears start again. The doubt, the fears, the lack of control….all creeping up in my throat and needing an escape, and I pray. I pray that God has a plan, and it is a good one. That I can find it in my heart to trust him with all my worries, and that on Sunday I look for what God wants me to do today, before children and have hope.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially those that are celebrating it for the first time, enjoy this simple special moment.

Day 15

2010-05-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

My last visit to the doctor's office for two weeks. The wait has begun. I am still feeling my shot from two days ago and hope that in a few days I can sleep on my side again. Ahh….the pains of infertility. If only it was only physical and not all of the emotional heartache that seems to accompany all of it.

I have finished the "The Happiness Project" and have started my own. I am unsure if you can read the book without having some inspiration to start your own happiness project. Therefore in May, I am hoping to be happier by…working out regularly, blogging my thoughts, memorizing Bible verses, and being a generous friend with both my time and attention. The book says to make a spreadsheet of the four resolutions and then check the days off when you feel successful. Some things are easy to check off like working out, either I did or I did not, (which yesterday I did not) I blamed it on the shot. But how do I judge being a generous friend? I guess my challenge is then to find ways to be generous to my friends and follow through with them.

I don't have many thoughts today about the IUI, I am hoping that it will work, but this month I am trying to keep my emotions in check a bit more and just to trust God. That is so much easier said than done. I can type I am going to trust God, I can say it out loud, can I really believe it in my heart? That is my prayer today to trust that God has a plan and it is a good one. It will not always be easy, it will not always be fun, and it most definitely will not be my first reaction, but I am trying to trust.

Day 14

2010-05-05T07:03:00.003-04:00

We are at the half way point, the big day, the oh my gosh, I hope this works day. Things started to look up as I got my first ever positive ovulation kit test yesterday. I guess all of the shots are putting some sort of hormone through my body that has finally registered. Yeah! I was just so excited to see two blue lines. The little things in life.

I have to share something funny today as it is stressful. Where we go on vacation in South Carolina, people name their houses. Something funny, beachy, clever. We actually had a banner made that says "The Rogers Retreat" for the house we rent for the week. Anyways our favorites are the ones like "college scholarship" where the parents did not have to pay for school so they bought a beach house instead.

Following this theme, Jon was joking around that we should name our kid "Lexus" because the money Jon was going to use to buy his dream car in a few years is now going to fertility treatment. Let's just hope she comes out a girl with red hair. At least it does not cost so much that we would name the kid "retirement".

Any and all prayers are welcome today. A friend at school just kept telling me, Philippines 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Therefore, that is my prayer, for myself and for you. God's blessing today and always.

Day 13

2010-05-04T07:15:00.000-04:00

Thoughts, praises, life…time passes by so quickly. Yesterday was my mom's birthday…again! Why, do some days just drag on and on, and others seem to vanish? Is it because I am counting them? By counting the days do I prolong the pain or help it to escape more quickly? Why, oh why, does the last month of school go so slow? Songs, poems, self help books, Oprah, all talk about how to enjoy the moment, live every day to the fullest, laugh, love, make every minute count. Does that lead to a better life? Can I just escape for now, forever?

I asked Jon this question last night, maybe you will find some humor in it, and it may explain a little of how I think. We were watching CNN's John King on Larry King. Jon and I have a long running joke about John King because I always thought it was Anderson Cooper. So I asked Jon, "Do you think more people come up to John King and say you look like Anderson Cooper, or vice versa?" I know call me crazy. Anyways, I annoyed him this way all of 2008 as well, when I keep asking him, "Do you think people come up to Tina Fey and say you look like Sarah Palin, or more people come up to Sarah Palin and say you look like Tina Fey?" Your opinions to these questions are always appreciated. If I was better as this blogging thing I would have tried to insert pictures for you to compare. The new Nike….Just Google it.

My story has a point. As I search for God more and more in my struggles, am I reconfirming the God that I believe in, or am I just seeing what I need? Does God change for me? Does he change for you? Should my view of God change? I know today with more conviction than before that God does answer prayers. However, if he answers my prayer with a no, will I still think that? Do I look at God today and say you look like my friend, but then tomorrow look at my friend and not see God? Does this make any sense?

Today I am spending another prep period at the doctor's office and I go back on Wednesday for the IUI. I am so thankful that I have wonderful, supportive, colleagues that allow me to miss when I need to and swoop in to catch me and sometimes my classes when we are falling. Thank you.

Day 12

2010-05-03T07:00:00.000-04:00

Today is a big day. It is the first day of my last IUI process. As I read through other infertility blogs, they were filled with so many letters, medicines, doses that I did not understand and I thought I knew about this stuff, that I will keep all medical stuff simple. First off, I am not all about broadcasting my medical history to the World Wide Web, and second, does it really add creditability to my account? Therefore, IUI is the same as artificial insemination, which for me stands for relatively cheap and easy. The whole IUI process started with farm animals mainly cows, which does just really make me feel cheap and easy, but again it is the first in many steps. Either way this is the third IUI we have tried and therefore the last. Research shows that if you are going to get pregnant with an IUI it will happen in the first 3 tries.

So my thoughts on this…..first off I am nervous. Very nervous. I think nervous is just a politically correct/Christian way to say I am scared to death that this will not work and we have to start down the next more expensive, more invasive road. Secondly, I am hopeful, that maybe just maybe this will work and we will have to start down the next equally scary road. Either way, I know today that God knows what path we will be taking in 16 more days and I am trying to be at peace with that.

As I checked my email over the weekend, I got the most wonderful new perspective on our journey. My former Bible Study leader, who I adore, emailed with "the challenge is to look at this as, 'what does God want me to do now, before children'...". Now that is a Godly woman! She has seen me grow up in a way, starting Bible Study with her at the tender age of 22 and wow, I am still learning from her. Therefore what does God want me to do now? Write a blog, call a friend, praise Him, plant a tree? (for all of my Lutheran readers)

As I search for the answers, which will never come as easily as the multiple questions that I pose each day, I guess that is the main one and quite possibly may be the main one forever. Therefore if I am going to do some soul searching, so are you…What does God want you to do now?

PS: I was up and at it at 5:00 today to hit the treadmill. The gym was packed! There was not one single piece of cardio equipment left when I got there at 5:20 so I had to lift weights for 15 minutes, which I absolutely dread. I guess more people than I know are reading "The Happiness Project." or summer is just around the corner...

Day 10 and 11

2010-05-01T08:15:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I announced my blog to friends, family, and supporters. The overwhelming response and emails have again made me realize that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you! Jon and I are very grateful for everything. That being said, I am taking the weekend off, to enjoy my time with Jon and his parents.

Day 9

2010-04-30T10:04:00.003-04:00

Today, I took a personal day from school. My kids will understand, they take personal days more often than I do. I have so many thoughts running through my head, ideas I want to document, feelings, costs, procedures, findings, inspirations, however, I am limiting myself to one post a day, one day at a time. Because that is how this journey is, one day at a time for 28 days. I have recently read so many places that going through the infertility cycle is a roller coaster. I felt this way after the first few months, yet had no idea this is what others were feeling. You spend two weeks getting your hopes up and two weeks crashing, and then you secure your seat belt again for another ride. If you are one of the lucky ones, the train behind you if full of supporters, who unfortunately have to ride the same one over and over with you again.

Yesterday, when I was at the library, I picked up my holds to discover that, "The Happiness Project" had come in. I have been on the list for this book maybe four months or so, but it came yesterday. FYI...I am not reading this book because I feel that I need to be happier, of course there are days that you can and do need to feel happier, but that is not the reason I put it on my list. I am reading it because I like to read, it looked good, and why not. But the real question is, why now? Why yesterday did out of the blue the book show up at the library? Quite honestly, I had forgotten that I put it on my list. Is it God, is it the 23 speed readers before me, why did it show up when it did? Again is God speaking to me more or am I searching for him more, or do I even care which? Should I care, or just be grateful?

Either way, I guess it got me out of bed this morning and back to the gym, which is the real reason I have so many thoughts flowing through my head. I think when I am on the treadmill. Sure I listen to Morning Joe (msnbc) and find out what is happening around the world, which is probably more beneficial to me than watching the Today show and seeing the latest makeup colors for spring. Also I know that Jon appreciates it more, when he does not have to explain everything to me about the evening news, and I keep up to date. Morning Joe also starts at 5:30, which is my normal treadmill time, long before the 7:00 am wake-up call of Matt and Meredith.

Anyways, The first chapter of "The Happiness Project" was about energy, and finding more or better physical and mental energy, therefore I think I will be at the treadmill at 5:30 more often than not for the last month of school. I also was listening to Joel Osteen's new book, which was a bit too new ageish and not as much Bibleish as I hoped, but he did have some good inspirational stories, one hit me hard. It was about a man who was preparing for cancer treatment and had to up his white blood cell count. The doctor told him a number and he told him he would have double that. So every day, when most people rested during this period, this man did not. He worked out hard, lifted weights, he prayed, he continued on with more gumption than necessary, because his thinking is that God can do his part, but I have to do mine. Which I know goes 100% against the whole God can do anything, you are saved by grace bit, which I believe and I believe that Joel and this man too believe, however why not give God some help. Sure he doesn't need it, at most times probably does not want my help, but getting in better shape and going back to the gym can't hurt much after the first few days.

PS: By the way, God did answer this mans prayers and he had double the count. The story probably would not have made Joel's book if it had ended any other way, but it does a little provide some much needed inspiration.

Day 8

2010-04-29T10:28:00.001-04:00

Day 8, as I type that, I remember that just one week ago the floor fell out. Just 7 days ago, I was hoping beyond hope that day 8 would never come. I remember back to how awful day 1 was, the tears, the fears, the disappointment. One week later, seems like a lifetime ago. The growth in one week, the changes that can happen in one week.

Today I got an email back from the author of the Pregnancy with Hope blog, the one that I have really found helpful and inspiring. It took me by surprise that someone I have never met, nor will meet found a few minutes to make my morning. Which started my thought process on who and how am I helping out others? Will someday this blog, or my voice, or my struggle, give hope to someone else? Will I get to look back at this someday and see how much I have changed, grown, how my husband and I have reconnected because of this, or come together? Does having a child, put an end to my growth? What if God never blesses us with a child, will I still see a positive outcome or will I become bitter, upset?

I know God is working on me. I know he is working in my heart, my thoughts, my life, my control. I know it because I see it. When I look to him he answers. Is that all too simplistic? Today my Max Lucado calendar for April 29^th was all about how "you may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you." Just days ago I felt so alone, so out in the darkness, and today, God sent a reminder. Maybe I am searching too hard for this, or God is making it easy for me to see him. Again it is a good day, so maybe I see God more on good days. Either way, I am just thankful it is a good day.

Day 7

2010-04-28T12:21:00.001-04:00

Today I am good, it is my sister's birthday! Happy Birthday! I have had a good night's sleep, a good morning talk with my mom, and a wonderful start to the school day. I am happy. I am thankful. I am ready. I have been reading another blog about infertility from a Christian woman who is struggling as well and she is fabulous, wonderful blog. After reading her every morning, I feel refreshed. If anything, this trial, this path, this journey, will strengthen my faith. God is refining me, he is putting me in the fire, the hot coals, and cooking all the crap out.

Quite possibly creating a better me? Is that possible?

I realized today that going through infertility is a lot like any other struggle I have had to overcome. Luckily for me, my struggles have not been too terrible, just average, single girl, teacher, stuff. This too is just average, it seems like such a big all consuming issue, but I can handle it. I say this today, when I am on one of my "good" days. Ask me in about 20 more. Actually I really need you to ask in 20 more. To remind me that even though the bad days come and they come a lot, the good days come and come a lot too.

Day 6

2010-04-27T07:44:00.001-04:00

Going through infertility heightens your consciousness. You are constantly questioning what you say to people and what others say to you. You are more sensitive. You realize that your words are your only form of letting your feelings out. And, that sometimes, your prayers, your voice, do not always express what is in your heart, and that frustrates you.

The next few days will be the good ones, the easy ones, the days between the end of your period and the days before ovulation. You have few days to breath, 4 exactly. You enjoy this time, you may yikes have sex for fun, or just because. Who does that anymore? Every second of the next few days you don't spend worrying.

These are the days of reflection, of realization, of safety. These will be the good days. You make the call to the fertility doctor, discuss your plan for this month, and you are happy. You can laugh, and you think just how precious of a gift that is. A funny story, commercial, television show, you can truly forget for a bit. You can spend a few days not trying to figure out what God is telling you and why He is making you go down this road. But again that is a choice, it is your choice, you can stop the treatment at any time, but the fear of maybe, this might be the month, I have to try this month, creeps in. The fear and the lack of control, that is what kills you.

You know God is listening, he is always listening, you know that. You were told that on Sunday, why do you feel so afraid, so alone, on this journey?

Day 5

2010-04-26T10:44:00.001-04:00

Today you wake up, you get up, you are ready for the week. You are busy today with work, with teaching, with life, and you are thankful for that. You start to look for books, guidance, search the internet for someone you can connect to, someone that you can trust, someone that has been through this.

You find some comfort. You read stories after stories about women who are struggling, who are in much, much worse situations than yourself. You feel the guilt, yet realize that everyone is still in the same place, struggling, some more than others. You are blessed. You are blessed....you have to believe it. God help me to believe it. I have a wonderful husband, wonderful family, wonderful doctors, and a job, and a means to pay for this treatment. I have faith. God, I believe in you and have faith that someday, hopefully soon, I will have my own child. Do these words sound as shallow as they seem to me?

At some point in this journey I have to give up the jealously, the longing for what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have. At what point, what day, does this happen? Will I have to continue with this for day after day? Where is God's plan? Will I ever know it? Will I ever hold the answer to my prayer?

I sat at Bible Study last night and was thankful, so thankful for the three beautiful faces looking back at me. Knowing that years ago, ten, twelve years ago, when God brought the four of us together he had planned for this night. Knowing the support all four of us needed today, realizing God knows and provides, but I still struggle.

Day 4

2010-04-26T10:39:00.001-04:00

You wake up today feeling good. You get up, get showered, put on make-up, no mascara because you are headed to church, but in other words, you are feeling alive, living, breathing, feeling. You have a to-do list today and you will get it accomplished.

You arrive at church, the early service, 8:30. You have started to go early as there are less people, less children, fewer babies. Instead of the seventy that go up for the children's service you have a manageable fifteen. You walk in a few seconds late and the first song, "how great is our God" has just started. You try to sing, you want to sing, you love this song, but the tears start down the cheeks. All you can do is bite your lips together hard, so you don't sob like a fool, and just let the tears fall.

You rub your eyes knowing in just a few short more verses you are going to have to greet the people sitting around you. You don't want them to know you are crying. You have twenty seconds to pull it together, then ten then time. You say hi, you did it. You fooled them. You sit down, you wonder how great is your God? Are you crying because you feel close to God, or because you are upset with him? Is your faith enough to get you through this?

You start to question why you don't want people in the most protective, safe place you know, to know. After the first song you are good, you can close your eyes during prayer and focus, you listen really listen to the sermon, on fellowship. You smile at the person sitting next to you when told, and laugh as the pastor tells a joke to make a connection. You can relate to the sermon, you have fellowship, you have a group of girls, that would carry your baby if necessary, they have told you. You have the most wonderful Christian support group you can rally, you are the lucky one. The one that does not go insane because she has someone to talk to. You appreciate the weekly Bible Study meetings more every month.

Day 3

2010-04-26T10:36:00.001-04:00

You are about 80% normal, the shock, the grief, the crying is gone, at least for now. You feel normal, you have cramps, you can readjust to life, you go grocery shopping, and out to dinner. You can make it, you will make it. You check your facebook, email and discover another birth, and another picture, another person's dreams coming true and you don't cry, you don't really feel anything. Life is moving on. You question what you put on facebook, in an email, and wonder, does someone read my words and hurt? Am I shattering another person's dreams with my new job, my fabulous husband, my newly painted laundry room?

Struggling with infertility is hard, but life is hard. You wonder is my issue bigger than someone else's? Should I talk about this with my single friends? Are they sitting there rolling their eyes, saying to themselves," well at least you are married. My chances for a child is farther than yours. I may never have a husband, let alone a baby. You are the lucky one." You talk to the single mother and listen as they try to juggle two beautiful little girls, while their husband is far from the picture, not by their own choice. Are they better off than you?

In your simple, selfish mind, you feel justified for your feelings, while in reality is this really the worst thing that could happen to you? No, and far from it. Your husband has this attitude, he can see the big picture better than you can. He can control his emotions. He can see the negative and he questions you about it. Are you not happy now? Don't I alone make you happy? We have a great life, why are you so sad? Do you really need a baby to be happy? And you question your own thinking again, do I really need a baby to be happy?

That is the question that you constantly are asking, will a child make my life better? Is all this pain going to one day, maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe never be worth it? Again the control issue is creeping back. You have no control over this, you cannot will yourself pregnant. And that is ultimately what is killing you. The lack of control.

Day 2

2010-04-26T10:21:00.002-04:00

Day 2 is no better than day one, at most times it is just an prolonged extension as if the past hours just all blended together to form one terrible reoccurring nightmare. You wake up on day 2 with no more enthusiasm than the night before. Your eyes are tired, and sore, and bloodshot, and you look miserable. You don't want to get out of bed, but you do, because you have to. On day 2 you go to work and teach 30 other children, you have tears in your eyes as you try to hide your pain from them. You don't look anyone in the eye, for fear they will see your broken heart. You make a phone call to a parent wondering if you will ever get the chance to be on the receiving end of that line.

Day 2 is full of sad looks, people know you are hurting but cannot figure out yet why, they don't count the days like you do. Their lives do not revolve around a 28 day cycle. They want to help, but can anyone say the right words? Would you hear the right words, if they were said? Your husband calls often on day 2, just to check on you. You get emails and sometimes flowers and you only wish that were all it took. This must be what the widow feels when grief stricken.

The best part of day 2 is that you know. You are 100% sure there is no hope for this cycle. You are at peace with that knowledge. You can move forward, you can drink wine, you can drink the whole bottle, and you do, you can smile if you dare. You can laugh. You can hold a conversation without breaking down. You can move on, you can start to regain hope.

All of your close friends, parents, siblings, prayer partners know. There is no one else to tell. Your sad story has been passed through the chains, and when you answer the phone who know who is on the other line, what they are going to say, because you have heard it at least five times and five times last month and five times before that. God has a plan, you will have a child, don't worry about the money, just relax. If I hear just relax one more time....

Day 2 your husband comes home with a plan for the weekend. We are going away, we are painting the laundry room, we are staying busy if it kills me, because I don't want you to cry anymore. You are starting the recovery process, the moving on process, the only 27 more days process.

Day 1

2010-04-25T13:16:00.001-04:00

Day 1 sucks!....it especially sucks when it comes after day 29, or day 30 or happens in the afternoon when you have all day to think maybe your dreams have finally come true. The moment that you see blood on the toilet paper, the moment Noah, or Madison, or Daniel, dies. The moment…oh the moment. You are in your home, your workplace bathroom, your favorite store. It is the moment when the coaster starts down the hill, slowly for a split second then falling out of control. The tears form in your eyes, the thoughts, the fears, the hopes, that maybe just maybe God would still let you be pregnant and it is a fluke. Then you try a second time, still blood, and the bottom falls out. And you sit, on the toilet and cry. God help you if you are at work, or in public, or even worse, with your husband, because you want to escape for five minutes, five minutes, of uncontrollable rage, and sadness and disappointment, as you realize again that another chance has passed. Another life will not come to you, another 1000 dollars or 10,000 dollars are quite literally flushed down the toilet.

After the moment when you find out you are not pregnant, day 1 starts. You mark a big P in your planner and count up the days. You text your sister, and your best friend with the news that you started. You make the awful phone call to your husband, the one person, who may feel the same way and you tell him. It is hard, difficult, the worst phone call you can make, because now you are crushing another person's dream, you stopping another person's hope. His Noah, or Madison or Daniel dies as well.

Then for the rest of the day, you cry. God help you if you wore mascara that day, or if you have a big presentation, or if in seven minutes, you have to return to 30 students who will look at you and know something is wrong, they see your blood shot eyes, but they are too young to understand why you are upset. They don't want to question it as their teacher is always the strong one, the one with the answers, and yet today she does not have them. She has failed again. She is at Day 1 for the second time, the twelfth time, maybe the last time.

When you think of the first day of anything you have happy thoughts. The nervousness you feel on your first day of high school, your first day at a new job, the first day of the rest of your life. Day 1 is not supposed to be a sad day, it is not suppose to be a day of grieving of disappointment. From the first moment on day 1 goes by in a fog. You don't really remember anything after that first moment, you don't choose to remember anything.

On day 1 you find out a friend had her baby, and wonder if God likes to play cruel jokes on you. And you want to be happy for them, you are happy for them, yet you cannot bring yourself to make the phone call, to send the email, to buy the "It's a boy" card. Not today, not on day 1. Or day 1 starts while you are on vacation and takes you by surprise, and you sit on a hotel bed, and hope you are not bleeding onto the sheets and you cry, and your vacation, your get away, your escape, just became your problem.

On day 1 you call your fertility doctor and leave a message, you will not be in for the pregnancy test, you need to schedule another appointment, you need to take out another loan, max out another credit card, and you wonder if you can go through this for another month, another 28 days.

On the first second you see your husband on day 1, you are safe, you know that there is at least one other person in the world that knows how you feel, that can hug you and kiss your cheeks, and tell you he is sorry and he loves you. You are a pitiful couple. He part of the reason you are not pregnant, yet you cannot blame him, you won't blame him, you don't have it in you to blame him, because you love him and he is already is blaming himself. He tells you so, and the guilt starts, why can't you just hold it together for him? But he is the only one who really sees you, hears the tears on your pillow, rubs his hands on your back. You heart breaks for him. He knows he is the one causing you all this pain and he cannot do a thing about it.

The hardest part is the lack of control. You have none. You have to give it to God, you cannot do this yourself, you cannot will yourself pregnant. You cannot! You have to believe this. You have to believe that as sad as you are that your period started, someone else in the world is sitting on a toilet that very moment overjoyed by this discovery. That somewhere someone is also going through your pain, that life is unfair, and bad things happen to good people, and people who don't want or can care for a child get one, and you do not.